I am completely ridiculous.

Recently, I have seriously considered dyeing my hair. I'm still contemplating the exact color, but I think something that would accentuate the already reddish/gold that's in my natural hair color would be nice. Sometimes I've noticed that my hair can be a bit silvery and mousey, and I've wanted to dye my hair for the past couple of years. So I shall seize the moment! Hopefully I will have a new hair color by the time I go back to school.

But, because I need to summon the courage to (aka, schedule the appointment), I am stuck with pretending that I am 13 years old. I bought some things at the store today, and the following has left a thin layer of pink everywhere in my bathroom.

Enjoy.

Oh, when the lights are low...

What is it about the wee hours of the night that make me re-read old journal entries? I'm not sure what inspired me to go through my desk tonight, but I pulled out my old journals - the real ones. The ones I've handwritten since the sixth grade. Mostly I re-read Freshman and Sophomore year, because that is the peak of my melodramatic writing. My life was fascinating and complex to me back then, full of imagined possible-romances-to-be and whiny complaints and general musings of the past, present, and future. Looking back, the most I can take from it is how silly I was. I like to think I've grown, at least a little bit, but I know part of me at the core of my being still behaves slightly like a sixteen year old girl, unsure of pretty much EVERYTHING.

And all of this reflecting on the past has made me reflect on the present. Being home for the summer puts me in a weird sort of limbo. It's hard to imagine that a couple months ago I was living in a dorm room with two other girls, studying constantly and being consumed by UCLA. Although I talked to homefriends often, the connection was still faint and weakened by distance. This summer, I have barely conversed with my UCLAfriends, even though I know as soon as I get back to school it will be like no time has come between us at all. And when school resumes, how will my relationships with my homefriends be affected? I see them almost every day, and definitely every week. While I'm not freaking out like I did last summer, leaving for school will still be strange and sad in its own way. I'm excited for the new year, and am certainly not dreading it, but I will be separated from the comforts of home and the familiarity of friends for far longer than I'd like.

Camp ends on Friday, meaning there are only TWO days left of camp. I have to work an additional day next week to clean up our site, but it will just be organizing and labeling, something I'm very good at and don't mind doing. Work ending means that real summer can begin, something I am looking forward to. Pure summer. My parents are also going out of town for a week, which will hopefully be full of funtimes. Alex will be gone by then (he leaves in a week!), which sucks. I'm pretty sure I'm going to freak out in about a week's time. The summer has gone by fast, and I don't think I'm ready for him to leave and move on.

This is the point in this post where I could say goodnight, or I could delve into emotions and all that sappy crap. Last time I started writing about how I felt, I ended up in a funk for no real good reason. That being said, I think the best course of action is to just say goodnight. While there is some therapeutic result from typing out my problems, it's best left for my eyes only. Especially since they're not really problems, and more like imagined angst.

Don't wake me up before you go.

Not only is blogging every day a challenge, the senses thing I was trying to do forces me to be more creative than I am. And sometimes I don't feel creative. So I think I'm going to stop.

You would have probably realized that in a couple of days anyways.

ANYWAYS. I'm not really sure what I am going to do tonight. My sister is in Davis for the night, so I have no sisterly obligations. I was dabbling around with the guitar just now, and for now that suits me. Perhaps I'll go on another wandering walk. Who knows.

Girls looking for themselves in your eyes, I'm looking for you.

This will be short post, as I'm typing away on my tiny laptop at Alex's house, preparing for tonight's festivities.

Today, I saw: a child repeatedly disobey me. Camp was not fun today.

Today, I heard: Damien Rice, on shuffle. I like him.

Today, I smelled: leftover Bruschetta. It was my dinner, and it was sooo good.

Today, I touched: my sore arms and legs. I went for an aimless walk last night, and ended up walking close to 4 miles. Woohoo!

Today, I tasted: Cheerios, which was snack at Camp.

These are not that interesting, and I apologize. I'll try to be more creative and clever, but today was no fun, and I've had a headache since around 3.

Days left of camp: 8

I put my hands up in the air sometimes.

Hello. It's been a long 5 seconds from my last post. On to today!

Today, I saw: my room, cleaned. It will be messy tomorrow.

Today, I heard: the laughter of stupid boys. The neighbors are on vacation, and so their son invited friends over, and they are loud and smoking pot. Yay!

Today, I touched: an oven. We did shrink art at Camp, and I accidentally brushed my finger against it. There's no burn, though!

Today, I smelled: the scent of this wallflower air freshener I got at Bath and Body Works. I liked the scent in the store, but now I hate it. I've been trying to put it in different rooms to see if it's better there, but no matter where I put it I can smell it all throughout the house. I think the only option is to throw it away.

Today, I tasted: Kool-Aid. Only 9 more days left of camp! We're in single digits now!

BEDA

I follow some blogs of youtubers that I watch, and one of them has decided to participate in BEDA (Blog Everyday in August). I thought about doing this, but figured it would be too hard to post something interesting EVERY day. This particular blogger has decided to post "something noteworthy that I experienced with each of my senses," and I thought this might be kind of fun.

However, I am starting this August 2nd. I know I'm already off to a bad start, but with the powers of "Post Options," I can pretend this is yesterday.

And therefore...

Today, I saw: Alex. Twice. Both times I was in different sets of pajamas.
Today, I heard: the radio while I was driving, because my iPod is dead. I hate the radio. It's particularly frustrating when you park somewhere, do some things for a while, get back in the car, AND THE SAME SONG IS PLAYING ON THE RADIO.
Today, I touched: Pop 5, a cranium game I had never played before. It was fun, although I have absolutely no knowledge of Cher.
Today, I smelled: cookies that I delivered to the Rogers household.
Today, I tasted: Pizza Antica as well as Blackberry Basil lemonade. Both delicious.

This is hard to do when it is not today. Hopefully there won't be any more slip ups!

.

And now I am sad and moody over something I didn't know I was sad and moody about.

Thanks for blogging and exploring my feelings, me.

Only blue eyes can break your heart that way.

First off, let me warn you that this entry is completely unplanned and I have no idea what I am about to talk about. I just got home from seeing Corpus Callosum play in downtown San Jose, and walked into my room. I had left my window open, so it's little chilly. So I grabbed my laptop and snuggled into bed. I don't think I'm quite ready for sleep, since I just ate a belated dinner, and hence the reason for this blog.

This summer has been going by at an acceptable pace. The next couple of weeks are going to bring changes though, what with Becky being home, work ending, and Alex leaving. The end of work has always been a bittersweet topic, because when work is over so is most of the summer. Five weeks isn't a short period of time though, so I think I'll end up being content. There are still plenty of things I want to do though; see Heidi, go camping, play music, listen to music, take a trip, etc. I sincerely hope some of those things happen. They are all entirely possible, so they better!

This is the point where I don't know what to talk about next. It's kind of late, but I stayed up later last night, and said dinner is making me not sleepy. There isn't much on my mind, and I'm not really angsty at the moment. Sometimes I wish I had someone to call or text when I was bored, but I'm a relatively shy girl who doesn't make good friends fast. I'm content with the couple that I do have, but sometimes I wish for more. There's not much to do about it, except hope to be more social when I go back to school in the fall. I especially want to find people to play music with, and who appreciate the same music that I do. But I don't know how to find these people. All the friends I have sort of fell into my lap, and I didn't have to put TOO much effort into befriending them. (Not to say that I didn't WANT to befriend them. They were around and I was around. Things just happened. Shit I don't know.) The good friends that I do have now I've known for at least 4 years. I wish I could just fastforward the time with new friends. I'm also a little socially awkward, and don't know what to say or how people will react, so I just don't say anything at all. Which is why some people think I am mean or cold when I first meet them.

But that's beside the point. I don't even know what I'm talking about anymore. I think I have a bug bite on my forehead and it's really itchy.

I think what I'm trying to say is that I'm content with all the friendships and relationships I have at the moment.

Though, I guess that's not entirely true. Alex and I have had a long and somewhat tumultuous friendship (at times), and sometimes I'm not entirely satisfied. And part of what I mean can be proved by the fact that he doesn't even read this blog. (Prove me if I'm wrong, Alex) Part of me feels that while he cares for me as a good friend, and likes me generally as a person, our relationship is one-sided. Perhaps it's because we're at different parts of our lives, and he's ready to embark on a new chapter. Part of me has always felt that I've loved him more than he loves me. I could just be insecure (probably am) about his social ease and ability to befriend people quickly (and have them like him back). I feel that sometimes I'm not the "best friend," but just another friend. Or even another best friend. We have many things in common, and don't really get sick of each other. Today he was over at my house, and we were doing our own things, and I got the feeling that we didn't really care about what the other person was doing. And sometimes I feel completely unacknowledged by him, especially when it comes to his friends that are not my friends. He has a tumblr, in which he posts stuff (along with his friends that are his age), but I am never mentioned. It just makes me think that I could be completely removed from his life and he would be totally fine.

Though watch me stick my foot in my mouth if he does in fact read these posts. Which I'm pretty sure he doesn't. It's totally insecure, but I hate being the person in the relationship that likes the other person more than they like you. (Relationship as in friendship, not romantic relationship. I'm not trying to act like he is my boyfriend. He's just a very big part of my life.)

I'm pretty sure I could go on for days, and not even know what the hell I just typed. Time to call it a night? I think so.