Also, I think I'm afraid to fall asleep.

Now what the hell does that mean?

Spiraling downward at 1:54am.

What's going on with me?

I'm starting to have the sinking suspicion that I've hit rock bottom, or some other lowly depressing state, and I don't know if I'm trying that hard to fight against it.

Today I such great plans. Because of stupid reasons, I've been staying up until the wee hours of the morning, and waking up in the afternoon. I've convinced myself that it's okay because I'm on break, and I have nothing better to do in the morning, so why not sleep it off? The result is my sleep pattern shifting ever so slightly to the point of ridiculousness; today I woke up at 2:30 pm. You'd think I was jet lagged or something! Yesterday Alex and I made plans to hang out together, since we haven't seen each other for more than six hours since he's been home. I was determined to make this day a good one. I was going to get up early (for me, anyhow) in the morning, make myself some breakfast, be productive, and spend as much time with Alex as I could. I set TWO alarms. Including one I had to get out of bed to turn off. And what happen? I wake up at 2 freakin' thirty.

It turns out that Alex didn't even plan to see me until late afternoon, so I guess it wasn't a disaster. I guess I had other plans in mind though, and as I was rushing around my house trying to get ready, taking the quickest shower I could, he called. We decided we would have dinner together, and I as I hung up the phone I had to fight the urge to cry. I feel guilty for wasting my days, along with a slew of emotions that are looming over my head that I can't seem to articulate.

A couple days ago I was up way too late and started to watch "Girls Who Like Boys Who Like Boys," a show about girls and their gay guy best friends. It made me think about Alex and I, and our evolution as friends. Even though we care for each other a great deal, I don't know if it will ever be exactly the way I want it.

It really just comes down to loneliness. I am afraid to be alone. I cling to other people so I don't have to be. My entire life I've clung to a best friend, sometimes too tightly. I don't know why I'm like this, and I don't like the way it makes feel, but I don't know how to be okay with it.

Today I came across this.
It helps. And even though I don't make new years resolutions, I'd like to get good at learning to be alone.

So where does that leave me? The future brings both gifts and curses, and I'm caught swimming around in uncertainty. I desperately want to be a better person but that takes time and patience which are hard to come by these days. I desperately want to be happy, but I don't even know what can. I guess I'll have to take it slowly.

Late

It's just past one in the morning, and I'm curled up on the couch with a cup of tea, almond biscotti, and mounds of blankets. The glow from Buffy the Vampire Slayer (Season 5, Episode 22) playing on LOGO is the only light on in the house. And even though I've already seen every episode there is to see of Buffy, and even though I will end up staying awake until 2am, I am here watching.

I like the house at this time of night. The house feels empty. The house feels mine. It's finally quiet and dark, the way I like it. Nobody is bothering me, and nobody interrupts me.

Michelle Trachtenberg is frightening when she screams. It is simultaneously gravelly and high pitched, and all around makes me feel uncomfortable.

Ohhai I don't really know what this is.

I think I've been in continual morning of my childhood. I have of late, but wherefore I know not, been romanticizing the past with a distorted perception of what really occurred then, and how I really felt about it.

In the past couple of weeks, I have:

-watched the SF Giants in The World Series, in some sort of attempt to pretend that I am home listening to KNBR in my dad's car as we drive down El Camino, or in my living room passing between the kitchen and my room, glancing at the television
-listened to Disney songs, which I am doing as I type this
-gotten excited about going horseback riding, something which I used to do quite often as a child but haven't done in a number of years
-demanded that my Dad put the posters of shows I've been in back onto the backside of my door after he took them off for painting
-counted down the days and hours until the holidays, which always seems kind of timeless to me
-booked plane tickets home only THREE weeks before I was coming home for Thanksgiving because I was growing increasingly homesick and just wanted to be home already
-really really really wanted to reread Harry Potter (though this is most attributed to the fact that HP7.1 is coming out tomorrow night)

Many of these can be explained by two things: the general awesomeness of the bulleted points above, and the fact that I'm in college.

It's interesting that this is a time in my life where I'm supposed to become an adult, grow OUT of my childhood, and all I'm doing is trying to run back to it, as if that's even a real possibility. It's currently 8th week in the quarter. I've been studying and doing homework for the past 8 weeks, and while I can see the end of the tunnel (of the quarter, anyhow), it still sucks knowing I've got a long way to go still. I'll be home in a week, but not before I've taken a midterm and written a paper. Both of these are not IMPOSSIBLE tasks, but merely the labors I have to undertake in order to emerge from college with a degree I can apply to something practical. College is wonderful and all, but I'd like to take this time to complain about how much fun it can NOT be sometimes. There are days when I'm super productive, and days I have trouble getting any task started at all.

I think I've read somewhere that Sophomore year of college is the hardest, though not academically. My dad had to redo his sophomore year, though I'm fuzzy on the details of why. It seems that my view of the world and myself is starting to change, and I don't know if I'm quite ready for that. I have to be a real person? No! Not yet! I'm still a kid! I'm only nineteen years old! How the hell do I know who I am, who I want to be, and what I want to do with my life? How is that fair to ask of me, as if anyone can really have an answer to those questions?

I've been feeling this way for a while, and I think I just needed some sort of outlet for all these emotions. So thank you.

I'm going to go to bed now, wake up in the morning, study all day, and then go back to bed. Thrilling.

College: Round 2

I've wanted to write a blog post for a while but I don't know if I have the strength or focus to keep this up. In a couple of hours, I will have been back at school for one complete week. Coming back to school wasn't as dramatic as it was last year. I said goodbye to less friends, and moved into the exact same room. I'm sleeping in the exact same bed with the exact same sheets. It's nice, because I'm falling asleep in a familiar place, which means I'm falling asleep faster.

Sleep is very important here.

I'm so exhausted right now, for no real particular reason. Today was the first day of class, but I only have one 9am math discussion today (which I might not go to most weeks...). I spent the day running around South Campus looking for my classes, buying things and picking up my books at Ackerman, and watching television on my laptop through a handy tv tuner I picked up at Best Buy the other day. I also went to the gym, and then later to Westwood with Amanda and Jessye.

I'm sorry for the laundry list of what I did today, but my mind isn't the most inspiring at the moment. It's only the first day and I'm exhausted. Truth be told, I'm glad that classes are starting. The last couple weeks of summer were a weird sort of limbo, and this last week of pseudo-summer was a weirder kind of limbo. I'm back at school, with my school friends, but we're not doing anything. I've been waking up with no purpose to the day, which is liberating but also kind of boring. My days have had no structure, and I'm anxious to get back into a routine.

This quarter should be a good one. I'm taking Linear Algebra, Introduction to Digital Systems, Software Lab, and Shakespeare. I'm also auditioning for a capella this quarter. I'm trying to be optimistic, but a capella groups and competitive, and there aren't many open slots. I'm only signed up for two auditions, though I may want to sign up for more if I want a better chance and getting in somewhere. This is a large, large school, and many people can sing. The auditions are next week, and I'll let you know how it goes.

Now's about the time to settle down and let myself get sleepy before stretching out in my extra long twin bed and dreaming of college plans yet to come.

I'm no more than a friend, girl

Sometimes I think that I really don't understand people, or the relationships they make with each other. It's always easy to be an outside observer, making opinions and drawing conclusions and generalizing a person's being. It's scarier to actually know somebody from the inside out. Maybe this is where my left brain takes over, because to a certain extent, people's actions and thoughts perplex me beyond belief.

It's getting to that time of the night where my thoughts become muddled and emotions run high. Especially so because I'm leaving home in about a week, and my life is once again going to take a 180. I'm ready to go back to school, since I am unbelievably bored here, but I will miss my strong-yet-small group of homefriends. I'm also in this weird state because I'm an idiot who likes to know too much for her own good. A curious idiot. I think this lack of understanding of people is what leads to a general mistrust of them. I'm always second guessing everything about myself and everything people say or do around me.

It has a tendency to isolate me from the people I'm closest to, and I let myself over-analyze and over-think until I'm a puddle of a person with a completely disoriented perception. Sometimes I wish I could just get over myself and be the person I really want to be. But who the hell knows who that is? I sure don't.

I am completely ridiculous.

Recently, I have seriously considered dyeing my hair. I'm still contemplating the exact color, but I think something that would accentuate the already reddish/gold that's in my natural hair color would be nice. Sometimes I've noticed that my hair can be a bit silvery and mousey, and I've wanted to dye my hair for the past couple of years. So I shall seize the moment! Hopefully I will have a new hair color by the time I go back to school.

But, because I need to summon the courage to (aka, schedule the appointment), I am stuck with pretending that I am 13 years old. I bought some things at the store today, and the following has left a thin layer of pink everywhere in my bathroom.

Enjoy.

Oh, when the lights are low...

What is it about the wee hours of the night that make me re-read old journal entries? I'm not sure what inspired me to go through my desk tonight, but I pulled out my old journals - the real ones. The ones I've handwritten since the sixth grade. Mostly I re-read Freshman and Sophomore year, because that is the peak of my melodramatic writing. My life was fascinating and complex to me back then, full of imagined possible-romances-to-be and whiny complaints and general musings of the past, present, and future. Looking back, the most I can take from it is how silly I was. I like to think I've grown, at least a little bit, but I know part of me at the core of my being still behaves slightly like a sixteen year old girl, unsure of pretty much EVERYTHING.

And all of this reflecting on the past has made me reflect on the present. Being home for the summer puts me in a weird sort of limbo. It's hard to imagine that a couple months ago I was living in a dorm room with two other girls, studying constantly and being consumed by UCLA. Although I talked to homefriends often, the connection was still faint and weakened by distance. This summer, I have barely conversed with my UCLAfriends, even though I know as soon as I get back to school it will be like no time has come between us at all. And when school resumes, how will my relationships with my homefriends be affected? I see them almost every day, and definitely every week. While I'm not freaking out like I did last summer, leaving for school will still be strange and sad in its own way. I'm excited for the new year, and am certainly not dreading it, but I will be separated from the comforts of home and the familiarity of friends for far longer than I'd like.

Camp ends on Friday, meaning there are only TWO days left of camp. I have to work an additional day next week to clean up our site, but it will just be organizing and labeling, something I'm very good at and don't mind doing. Work ending means that real summer can begin, something I am looking forward to. Pure summer. My parents are also going out of town for a week, which will hopefully be full of funtimes. Alex will be gone by then (he leaves in a week!), which sucks. I'm pretty sure I'm going to freak out in about a week's time. The summer has gone by fast, and I don't think I'm ready for him to leave and move on.

This is the point in this post where I could say goodnight, or I could delve into emotions and all that sappy crap. Last time I started writing about how I felt, I ended up in a funk for no real good reason. That being said, I think the best course of action is to just say goodnight. While there is some therapeutic result from typing out my problems, it's best left for my eyes only. Especially since they're not really problems, and more like imagined angst.

Don't wake me up before you go.

Not only is blogging every day a challenge, the senses thing I was trying to do forces me to be more creative than I am. And sometimes I don't feel creative. So I think I'm going to stop.

You would have probably realized that in a couple of days anyways.

ANYWAYS. I'm not really sure what I am going to do tonight. My sister is in Davis for the night, so I have no sisterly obligations. I was dabbling around with the guitar just now, and for now that suits me. Perhaps I'll go on another wandering walk. Who knows.

Girls looking for themselves in your eyes, I'm looking for you.

This will be short post, as I'm typing away on my tiny laptop at Alex's house, preparing for tonight's festivities.

Today, I saw: a child repeatedly disobey me. Camp was not fun today.

Today, I heard: Damien Rice, on shuffle. I like him.

Today, I smelled: leftover Bruschetta. It was my dinner, and it was sooo good.

Today, I touched: my sore arms and legs. I went for an aimless walk last night, and ended up walking close to 4 miles. Woohoo!

Today, I tasted: Cheerios, which was snack at Camp.

These are not that interesting, and I apologize. I'll try to be more creative and clever, but today was no fun, and I've had a headache since around 3.

Days left of camp: 8

I put my hands up in the air sometimes.

Hello. It's been a long 5 seconds from my last post. On to today!

Today, I saw: my room, cleaned. It will be messy tomorrow.

Today, I heard: the laughter of stupid boys. The neighbors are on vacation, and so their son invited friends over, and they are loud and smoking pot. Yay!

Today, I touched: an oven. We did shrink art at Camp, and I accidentally brushed my finger against it. There's no burn, though!

Today, I smelled: the scent of this wallflower air freshener I got at Bath and Body Works. I liked the scent in the store, but now I hate it. I've been trying to put it in different rooms to see if it's better there, but no matter where I put it I can smell it all throughout the house. I think the only option is to throw it away.

Today, I tasted: Kool-Aid. Only 9 more days left of camp! We're in single digits now!

BEDA

I follow some blogs of youtubers that I watch, and one of them has decided to participate in BEDA (Blog Everyday in August). I thought about doing this, but figured it would be too hard to post something interesting EVERY day. This particular blogger has decided to post "something noteworthy that I experienced with each of my senses," and I thought this might be kind of fun.

However, I am starting this August 2nd. I know I'm already off to a bad start, but with the powers of "Post Options," I can pretend this is yesterday.

And therefore...

Today, I saw: Alex. Twice. Both times I was in different sets of pajamas.
Today, I heard: the radio while I was driving, because my iPod is dead. I hate the radio. It's particularly frustrating when you park somewhere, do some things for a while, get back in the car, AND THE SAME SONG IS PLAYING ON THE RADIO.
Today, I touched: Pop 5, a cranium game I had never played before. It was fun, although I have absolutely no knowledge of Cher.
Today, I smelled: cookies that I delivered to the Rogers household.
Today, I tasted: Pizza Antica as well as Blackberry Basil lemonade. Both delicious.

This is hard to do when it is not today. Hopefully there won't be any more slip ups!

.

And now I am sad and moody over something I didn't know I was sad and moody about.

Thanks for blogging and exploring my feelings, me.

Only blue eyes can break your heart that way.

First off, let me warn you that this entry is completely unplanned and I have no idea what I am about to talk about. I just got home from seeing Corpus Callosum play in downtown San Jose, and walked into my room. I had left my window open, so it's little chilly. So I grabbed my laptop and snuggled into bed. I don't think I'm quite ready for sleep, since I just ate a belated dinner, and hence the reason for this blog.

This summer has been going by at an acceptable pace. The next couple of weeks are going to bring changes though, what with Becky being home, work ending, and Alex leaving. The end of work has always been a bittersweet topic, because when work is over so is most of the summer. Five weeks isn't a short period of time though, so I think I'll end up being content. There are still plenty of things I want to do though; see Heidi, go camping, play music, listen to music, take a trip, etc. I sincerely hope some of those things happen. They are all entirely possible, so they better!

This is the point where I don't know what to talk about next. It's kind of late, but I stayed up later last night, and said dinner is making me not sleepy. There isn't much on my mind, and I'm not really angsty at the moment. Sometimes I wish I had someone to call or text when I was bored, but I'm a relatively shy girl who doesn't make good friends fast. I'm content with the couple that I do have, but sometimes I wish for more. There's not much to do about it, except hope to be more social when I go back to school in the fall. I especially want to find people to play music with, and who appreciate the same music that I do. But I don't know how to find these people. All the friends I have sort of fell into my lap, and I didn't have to put TOO much effort into befriending them. (Not to say that I didn't WANT to befriend them. They were around and I was around. Things just happened. Shit I don't know.) The good friends that I do have now I've known for at least 4 years. I wish I could just fastforward the time with new friends. I'm also a little socially awkward, and don't know what to say or how people will react, so I just don't say anything at all. Which is why some people think I am mean or cold when I first meet them.

But that's beside the point. I don't even know what I'm talking about anymore. I think I have a bug bite on my forehead and it's really itchy.

I think what I'm trying to say is that I'm content with all the friendships and relationships I have at the moment.

Though, I guess that's not entirely true. Alex and I have had a long and somewhat tumultuous friendship (at times), and sometimes I'm not entirely satisfied. And part of what I mean can be proved by the fact that he doesn't even read this blog. (Prove me if I'm wrong, Alex) Part of me feels that while he cares for me as a good friend, and likes me generally as a person, our relationship is one-sided. Perhaps it's because we're at different parts of our lives, and he's ready to embark on a new chapter. Part of me has always felt that I've loved him more than he loves me. I could just be insecure (probably am) about his social ease and ability to befriend people quickly (and have them like him back). I feel that sometimes I'm not the "best friend," but just another friend. Or even another best friend. We have many things in common, and don't really get sick of each other. Today he was over at my house, and we were doing our own things, and I got the feeling that we didn't really care about what the other person was doing. And sometimes I feel completely unacknowledged by him, especially when it comes to his friends that are not my friends. He has a tumblr, in which he posts stuff (along with his friends that are his age), but I am never mentioned. It just makes me think that I could be completely removed from his life and he would be totally fine.

Though watch me stick my foot in my mouth if he does in fact read these posts. Which I'm pretty sure he doesn't. It's totally insecure, but I hate being the person in the relationship that likes the other person more than they like you. (Relationship as in friendship, not romantic relationship. I'm not trying to act like he is my boyfriend. He's just a very big part of my life.)

I'm pretty sure I could go on for days, and not even know what the hell I just typed. Time to call it a night? I think so.

And stories were always new.

I generally am not opposed to motorcycles, but sometimes I drive along side them (like I did today) and become annoyed. I get off of work around 5:30pm each day, and driving southbound on Lawrence is extremely hectic and crazy at that time. While stopped at a red light (or a green light...sometimes I can't tell...it's traffic) some guy on a motorcycle drove his way up to the front of the line. I can certainly understand the benefits to this, and would probably want to do so myself if I drove a motorcycle. But it just seems so terribly unsafe for both parties. What is someone is trying to switch lanes, and accidentally hits the motorcyclist? I didn't witness anything close to that today, but I just wondered if there's just a universally acknowledged rule that because they are one person on a tiny vehicle that they get to jeopardize people's safety. On the other hand, sitting in traffic sucks, especially when you could perfectly well squeeze between cars. I know I'm beginning to argue with myself, but I was just wondering if it's even LEGAL to do what I just described. After all, they're riding the line between two lanes, not really being in either.

This topic isn't that intriguing, but it's probably the most thrilling thing that's happened to me today, which is pretty depressing. Work today was not as stressful as usual (since we watched Monster's Inc. (not Ratatouille; we voted and it lost by 3 votes)), but it wasn't without its work. My voice is extremely tired from speaking loudly during camp, and I think I might be getting a sore throat. It's better than it was a couple hours ago, though. And I had some Teavana tea I found stashed away in my kitchen. So that was good.

The other day I wrote that I wasn't sure what to post here. The only drawback to writing about daily occurrences is that friends read this. While it's fine for friends that I don't really see on occasion, it makes conversations die sometimes when hanging out with people I do see often. Because we post so much of ourselves online, I already know the story someone is about to tell me. In most cases it's not really a problem, but it just makes me pine for the days where you had to call your best friend on a land line and chat for an hour about how your day was until your ear is red and sore and uncomfortable. And stories were always new.

The other thing to blog about - rants and angst and feelings - seem sometimes not appropriate for the internet. Especially because the people you want to talk about read this, and just writing vague statements only leads to questions. And then I feel like I'm in middle school, and I really hope I've matured past those days.

So internet, I leave you now, having accomplished nothing with this day or with this blog post.

I should really go to bed.

I would like to write here more often, but I'm not entirely sure what to put. Do I include tidbits about general happenings of my day? Is this the place to rant about the world or moan like an angsty teenager? The only problem with both of these is that my life is generally unexciting, and is mostly just copies of the day before it. I wake up. I go to work. I come home. Sometimes I hang out with people, but mostly I just wander around my house in my pajamas, spend way too long on facebook, and essentially turn restlessness into staying up way to late. Lather, rinse, and repeat.

However, I suppose tonight was an exception. I ventured to Santa Cruz with the gang to see honeymoon play, arriving just in time to not miss anything. Except for the bit where we were forced to stand FOR NO REASON by some (boozed up?) woman, it was a delightful outing. (Okay, maybe not forced, but I didn't know if she worked there or what, and just did what she told me to. Am I too passive?) And we ate crepes. I was hoping for a desert crepe (like nutella!) but apparently they don't have them. (Inconceivable! Also, slightly stupid.) Regardless, what I ate was delicious.

And so, besides that, my life has been pretty unexciting. I have few goals for the summer, but the most important one seems on its path to being fulfilled. I'm counting down the days until camp is over (12!), even though going to work gives me A) a paycheck, and B) some sort of schedule and (C)?) purpose to my day.

I like parentheses.
Goodnight.

NO.

I like how my schedule has completely changed. Instead of waking up in the morning and starting my day off with breakfast, I wake up and have lunch, finishing the day breakfast instead. I just had some waffles.

ANYWAYS.

I had a pretty wonderful weekend. Magic Garage, Jason Robert Brown. Today was filled with sleeping in, shopping, Pluto's, and Inception. All around solid weekend.

Only three more weeks left of work! Not that I'm counting down the days or anything...

SO MANY KINDS OF AWESOME

These past two days have been wonderful.

Last night Alex and I went to The Magic Garage. We didn't know what to expect of the evening, and went with open minds. AND IT WAS SO COOL. We got drinks, mingled, and watched many different magicians. It was definitely a new experience, and I enjoyed every second.

Alex spent the night, though we didn't sleep much because I am stupid. And then we got up (at 1...), showered, ate, picked up Alea, and drove to San Mateo for Jason Robert Brown's master class. JRB is an excellent coach, and I learned so many things from watching him work with people. We got some Red Robin, and went back for the concert. Not only is he adorable, witty, funny, and clever, he is a boss piano player, performer, and song writer. I am so glad we decided to go today, even if we didn't really know what we are getting ourselves into.

Also, he responded to me on twitter, which made me all kinds of giddy and excited.

I think I'll go buy "Wearing Someone Else's Clothes" now...

:D

.

What am I doing with my life?

I am bored.

I sit here in my dark room, curtain drawn open (and window closed; it's cold outside) on a perfectly fine summer night. Simply put, I don't know what to do with myself. I've already played piano for a bit, already read a bit of HP #2. What do people DO?! I have no idea.

This morning was eventful; I had to get up early to meet with a lawyer because I'm being sued for a ridiculous accident that happened TWO YEARS ago. After I met with him I did random things like clean my room and go running and take a shower and get ready for work. And then I went to work. Today we had the fewest number of participants we had all summer -- 16! Although the city would like us to be at maximum capacity (36), having a staff to kid ratio of less than 6 is SO NICE. Today was actually pretty fun. We played red rover, which reminded me of elementary school, and made a silly putty type thing (we called it "goo"... because it's Ooey Gooey week) for arts and crafts. I also taught some of the kids how to make an origami box thing, which was sort of fail for some of the kids. Oh well. It was a pleasant day. And eventually, it was over!

And I came home and did NOTHING. I don't understand how these things work. I don't understand where my time goes. I don't get home until around 5:45, but I still have the entire evening! I'm even tempted to text friends, but I don't even know what we would do. It's pretty late, so any attempt to hang out with someone seems kind of pointless. And I wouldn't know what to do.

This blog post is so pointless, but it killed time, so I'm okay with it.

Dream:

Last night I dreampt I was a jockey in a horse race. I could sense my horses's feelings or whatever. I looked outside and it was raining really badly. Then our horses were taken away. When we got back the sky was clear and the ground was dry.


I can't remember anything else.

Stream of Consciousness.

Hi Blogosphere.

I know I've been distant, and I know at some point or another I probably promised to write more often. I don't know who I was fooling, considering I now journal more because of the fact that I HAVE since I was just beginning middle school. And now I'm beginning COLLEGE. Shit.

I just felt the urge to spew words from my fingers because I just ended a very one sided conversation with a certain best friend and realized how I like the feeling of my fingers flying across a keyboard. It's especially easy when words just fly out of my brain, and I can make my fingers fly even faster. Even if I'm not eloquent at all. Whatever.

Right now I'm sitting in the hall outside my room because I'm in one of the moods where I'm pissed off for no reason, and couldn't stand being in there anymore. Actually, I know why I'm pissed off, but that is not the point of this entry. This entry is selfish, and it's purely about me. So I'm just going to try to forget why I'm out here in this hall in the first place.

None of this is probably making sense, but like I said, this blog is purely selfish. I feel like moving my fingers across a keyboard, and so that's what I will do. Now I'm going in circles.

PROGRESSING. I'm sitting out here with Storm, right outside my room. I think my original plan was to go to the lounge, but I realized going there would be pointless, so this is the best I can do. I can't decide if I like sitting here, watching and hearing people go by. One part of me is intrigued, the other is just pissed off. And part of me wants to be alone right now. But honestly, where I am going to go for THAT to occur. I've tried for 9 months to find a place to be alone. It's a damn hard thing to do.


I think I'm beginning to run out of steam, unfortunately. On a somewhat related note I'm completely ready for this year to end. Tomorrow is the last day of class. I have a homework assignment to turn in. After tomorrow, all that stands between me and Home Sweet Sunnyvale are three finals. I'm so anxious just to be done with it all. I like school and everything, but I just want to be home, in my room. Megan is ready for summer vacation.

When I start talking in third person, it means it's probably time for me to go. I'm entering a loopy stage, akin to panthering. I'm not tired though. Just worked up. And this blogging is dispensing energy, which is a very good thing. I wouldn't be able to sleep tonight. Part of that is due to the fact that my bed has become the most uncomfortable thing to sleep on. And the reason for THAT is because my bed is also a couch. And has become broken because five million people sit on it everyday. I think part of the reason I am worked up is because I am ready to go home and have my own space for a time. I think it's driving me crazy. My bed isn't just my bed. It's a central part of the room. And that's okay, but I'm so looking forward to this summer, when my bed is MY BED. To be able to sleep, I've had to put blankets down. Sometimes I consider taking NyQuil or something, but I don't feel like developing a dependency. Sometimes I wish I could just fall asleep when I told myself to. One of the reasons I'm out here is because I know that if I go to bed I'll just lie there, awake and uncomfortable. So I end up staying up late because I can't sleep, which is bad. Obviously.

I think I'm done now.

Interesting Day.

Well it's certainly been an interesting end to Birthday Palooza.

Today was supposed to be the day of recovery of this weekend, but Jessye woke up this morning with a flare-up of a past ailment, and so I spent the later part of the day at the Santa Monica hospital. She's okay, but will probably spend the next 2 days there while they do tests and treat her.

It was also exciting when we got on the bus to get back to campus, and learned that because it was the last trip of the evening, the last stop would be the VA hospital. Which is about 1.7 miles from our dorm. But there was nothing we could do about it, so we had a little 11 o'clock adventure walk.

It really wasn't that bad, and I'm glad we got to spend time with Jessye. We're gonna head over there after class tomorrow as well. Her roommate is this little old Asian lady who looks like she's 100 years old. Actually kind of depressing.

Not really sure why I decided to write this post. It's an event, I suppose?

First off, why is there salsa in a Popcorn Factory tin?

So I sort of feel like a dick, but at least I was justified.

Today I received a tin full of goodies from The Popcorn Factory from my parents as a birthday present. As soon as I opened it, I smelt something pungent, which turned out to be salsa that had opened during shipping and spilled. Most of the contents of the tin had some of the salsa juice on it, and there was a tiny puddle at the bottom of the tin. I took everything out and rinsed it off in the water. I figured the packages were water proof, so hopefully the popcorn and whathaveyou would be fine. I also cleaned the tin itself.

It really wasn't a big deal, but I figured that since I wasn't, you know, entirely satisfied with the product, that I might as well see if I could get compensated for that.

And so now a replacement order is being shipped to me. Which I'm happy about, obviously, but still feel kind of bad, since I guess I guess it was only the outside of the packages that were ruined.

I don't know. Why do I feel guilty?

Pre-Birthday Palooza

I woke up this morning in a haze, and it took me a couple hours to become a real person. I finished the two pieces of homework that are due tomorrow, and then avoided studying by organizing my desk. And straigtening things up in general. I like things being neat.

I keep forgetting that today is Thursday. Today is not the weekend. I have class tomorrow.

I also keep forgetting that tomorrow is my birthday. I mean, I'm aware that my birthday is soon, but I keep forgetting that it is TOMORROW. I think it's because Amanda is going to be gone this weekend, and so we're officially celebrating our birthdays NEXT weekend. Birthday Palooza is about to be so much fun. [Side note: My browser is telling me that "Palooza" is spelled wrong. Among other possible spelling corrections, it suggests "Appaloosa." Win.] So my brain thinks that my birthday is in a week.

Anyhow, I'm now gonna continue avoiding any real work.

I hate the acceleration due to gravity.

Hey blog,

I forgot to post yesterday. I was tired.

I took my physics midterm yesterday, which I think I actually did fairly well on. This quarter might be hard, but I think I'll have an advantage from the get-go. Woohoo.

So today I had another upper-case "t" Thought. I don't remember what it is now, though. I really have no energy to write this post because I just spent the last, like, seven hours working on a lab report. For physics lab. That is worth two units. TWO.

On a side note, I wish my fish over there --------------->
would get fatter the more you feed them.

So I'm going to go now and do nothing and wait for my friends to finish THEIR lab reports so we can hopefully watch Glee.

OKAY BAI.

Whatever will be will be.

I have my physics midterm tomorrow. I've decided that getting worked up and stressed over it is stupid and silly, so I'm not going to let myself.

Goodnight.

A thought.

I don't think we every grow up.

What I mean to say is, I don't think that whatever feelings and emotions we feel when we're five is any less present than when we're fifteen or fifty. It's more of a matter of how we deal with them. How we react, or don't react. And it all boils down to pretty basic wants and desires, masquerading in the worries of the phases of our life.

Today I realized I was feeling emotions that were akin to the very best of middle school angst, which surprised me because one, I'm in college, and two, I understand that it's nothing to make a big deal over, even though it might bother me from time to time. Which led me to believe that maybe these feeling never go away, they just transform and grow right along with you, subtly residing in back of your brain. So everybody has these feelings, at every age. And although time teaches you how to better confront these feelings, they never truly disappear. Or at least, there is always a chance they can come back.

I'm not really sure where this post is going, I just wanted to get this thought out there before I forgot it.

Samoas?

Hey world. (here I am)

I was the first to wake up with morning, and boy was it bright outside. I'd left the curtains open the night before, and it was SO BRIGHT. I went to class, last-minute studied, took a midterm (it went pretty well, we'll see what the average is), and then spent most of physics trying to remember how to make a cootie-catcher. I failed and just made a crane instead.

Then I came back to my room and booked my flight home. I'm coming home for Lucky Stiff, and also because I can't go the whole quarter without going home. I'll need a break from school.

Then I had a nice hour and something minute video chat with Alex, which was nice. It was like we were hanging out. Sorta.

Fast forward to now. I just came back from Cafe 1919, where I had some gelatto and bought caramel delights off of a friend. All my life they've been known as caramel delights, so that's what I'm gonna call them.

Tonight we're probably going to head over to Santa Monica. Should be fun. This weekend will be full of cramming for the physics midterm. So excited for it to be over.

Blah.

So in retrospect I probably should have studied more today for math considering that I have a midterm tomorrow, but I just don't know what happens with all my free time. For some reason I'm the least productive when I have the most time. This is paradoxical and frustrating.

And my hatred of physics returns. It's not so much a hate of the physics itself. I actually am interested in physics. If my school offered an acoustic engineering major, I probably would have been it. I love the physics of sound, the science behind music, and all that jazz. But I just don't want to do the math. I don't want to have midterms. I don't want to study. JFKSFLSDJF.

I'm just being lazy. But sometimes I wish I didn't have to be here.

COFFEE

I'm pretty jittery right now, but that's because I just had one and a half cups of coffee. It's almost 11, and while I haven't really been THAT productive today, I did just study for about an hour, so I'm going to call it a day. The reason for my lack of productivity (besides normal things like Facebook) is because I had lab to go to, and then I checked out the music practice rooms in Sproul with Amanda. And I still haven't studied Physics. So. Screwed.

I AM TYPING SO FAST RIGHT NOW GUYS.

So tomorrow I am skipping my one class so that I can wake up and study. Exciting. Midterms are upon us. OH YAY!

By the way, I have a formspring. Nobody has asked me question recently. Just putting that out there.

An infinite loop.

Dear you:

I didn't post yesterday. I'M SORRY. Yesterday wasn't very exciting. I went to class. I went to office hours that didn't help much. I exercised, ate dinner, and did some homework. Then we watched a new episode of The Big Bang Theory and the last episode of Glee so as to prepare for tonight's new episode. And then I went to bed.

THRILLING.

Today was pretty much the same, but shuffle that order around a bit. We'll probably watch something (hopefully tonight's episode of Glee if it's posted anywhere) and then I'll go to bed. This is pretty much my daily schedule here at UCLA. But sometimes I sprinkle in random funtimes.

Throughout the day I have random thoughts that I think would be good to write about. But then I forget them. In the shower today I was wondering when the week started. On a standard calendar, the first day in the week is Sunday. But to me, Monday feels like the first day of the week, and Sunday feels like the end. Which got me thinking about what the "end of the week" means. Does it mean the end of the work/school week? Or the weekend? But can't any day be the beginning of the week, depending on your perspective? All weeks are basically an infinite loop, a never-ending cycle. So what we're talking about here is convention as opposed to what actually makes sense.

These are the trivial things I think about.

Yesterday was more exciting than today.

So I promised today's post would be more exciting, and I'll have to warn you that it probably isn't.

Yesterday, instead of doing homework or studying or anything productive, Jessye, Storm, Kevin and I went to the mall. Our first stop was Guitar Center, which was ridiculously huge and filled with a shit ton of instruments. Although I'm not so much a fan of their corporate nature, I did appreciate the variety of selection. I was a little amazed that I was only able to find two ukuleles in their entire store, though.

Anyways, when I had bored the other three long enough, we went across the street to the real mall, browsing shops, including a stop to the puppy store. Adorable! We hung out/had dinner in the food court, which had this new-age-jukebox kind of thing, where you could text a number a code for a certain song, and it would play the music video on screens across the food court. So we subjected the entire food court to watch Britney Spears' Hit Me Baby One More Time. And Sk8er Boi.

Then we headed over the movie theater to see Date Night. WEIRDEST MOVIE THEATER EVER. It had ASSIGNED seating, purple-lit bathrooms, a vortex-hallway, and leather seats. The movie itself was funny, even though we did have to watch it from the second row.

Today consisted of not much. I tried to do homework. And I tried to study. Mostly failed in those endeavors though. I have a Physics midterm a week from tomorrow that I'm bound to do average on. Hopefully average.

ANYWAYS.

I just realized that Ben Folds is going to be in LA on two dates in May, and I can't go to either one. I was planning to go Wednesday night, but I forgot that I have Physics lab on Wednesday nights. And I can't go Thursday because I have a midterm the next day. So booo.

Oh, and I got accepted to engineering. Sort of. It's complicated.

You are the best thing about this place.

^The harmony on that line in Legally Blonde is GORGEOUS.

So last night was fun. And interesting. Let's just leave it at that.

So right now I'm taking a tour of my iTunes, realizing how much I missed listening to musicals. I LOVE MUSICALS. I LOVE NORBERT LEO BUTZ.

I'm all kinds of disjointed right now, but I don't know if I'll have time to blog later. So sorry for this skimpy post. I'll try to make tomorrow' more interesting.

I am so much better than befooooooooooooooooooore.

So Legally Blonde has been stuck in my head slash on repeat on my iPod, so now I'm watching Legally Blonde: Searching for the next Elle Woods on MTV's website.

But there's only so much belting I can listen to in a row. And some of these songs are hard to sing, and I couldn't hold out that high note for that long. However, the musical is SO GOOD and I just want to sing and dance and be happy. I'd rather watch the taped version of the stage musical, but this TV show is the first thing I came upon.

It's really hard to concentrate on writing a blog. So see you tomorrow.


UPDATE: I am now watching the stage production on Google Video. SO. MUCH. BETTER.

I have a hard time coming up with titles for these things.

Today was the first time that I told a hairdresser to cut my hair and she didn't cut it enough. Usually when I ask for a couple inches off, it always turns out to be way shorter than I anticipated. Today Jessye, Amanda, and I ventured into Westwood because Amanda needed to buy a birthday card and Jessye and I wanted to get our hair cut. So we just went into a random salon that offered a $15 haircut, and I told the woman who was assigned to me that I wanted 3 inches off with layers. And she basically told me that longer was better and didn't layer the back because it would look better. I didn't say anything after she was done, even though I should have in retrospect. I think I wanted shoulder-length hair, and all I got was a trim. Oh well. I guess I can chop it all off later sometime in the future if I really want to. But the ends of my hair feel so soft and healthy now, so I'm not too unhappy. Boy, did I need a haircut.

Today has been a pretty wonderful day because I got to sleep in (no class!) until 11, and have lunch at Cafe 1919. Delicious! It was also nice and sunny and FINALLY warm, so I got to wear my new shorts. My legs are so, so white. I am so, so white.

I should probably start studying physics now, since I don't understand ANYTHING. There's a cast party tonight, but I don't know if I'm going to go... I feel like I'd just be super awkward, since I'm not besties with anyone in the cast. I mean, I've made friends with people, and I'll talk to them if I see them, but I just haven't made SUPERGOODOMGLETSHANGOUT friends. I think I'd rather stay in the dorms tonight and watch A Very Potter Musical with my friends (if they FINALLY will let me show it to them...). I don't know. We'll see. I have time to figure out what I'm doing.

Tomorrow's going to suck, since I have 4 hours of class, almost back to back. But then it's the weekend! I think we're going to go to the mall and see a movie or something. Should be fun, and a break from studying!

Legally Blonde has been stuck in my head all day.

No! I will not give up! I meant to blog this earlier, or something, but after my 5pm lab, I am back, worked on my lab report, got dinner, and watched The Blind Side. Now the movie is over, and there are only minutes until my midnight deadline! So I blog to you quickly while friends are gathering their stuff, filtering out, and chatting about random nonsense.

TOMORROW I HAVE NO CLASS. Technically, I have a discussion scheduled for tomorrow, but that class has TWO discussions a week, and I've already done this week's homework. SO I AM GOING TO SLEEP IN. And it's going to be wonderful.

So lab today kind of sucked because the TA was like, "And now we take the partial derivative of this equation, blah blah blah." AND I HAVE NEVER DONE PARTIAL DERIVATIVES. ACK! And apparently I was the only one who didn't know how to do them. So I felt stupid. To make matter worse, in Physics lecture today, Corbin started talking about partial derivatives as well. WHY ARE THEY ASSUMING I KNOW THESE THINGS WHEN I DON'T?! ESPECIALLY WHEN MATH 32A IS NOT A PRE-REQ FOR THIS CLASS?!

Ahhhhh. Partial derivatives aren't hard, but it still made me feel stupid, or behind in math or something.

I really don't want this whole blogging thing to become a chore I have to squeeze in random places. I really do want to write everyday, but sometimes I'm crunched for time. And because I want the post to actually say Wednesday, April 7 I have to post before midnight, even though I'll probably be up for at least another hour or two. Oh well.

Well I have to pee/take a shower/spend way to long on the internet, so I'm off for now.

Why are all physicists crazy?

Hello World, here's to keeping up promises!

I only blog to you now because it's currently my off hour, and I either can't or don't want to do my homework. So I'm sitting in outside in glorious weather (albeit a little warm for my taste; I prefer the shade, but people in SoCal LOVE the freaking sun) outside of Kerchoff, my favorite building on campus. Amanda and I just came back from Corbin's office hours, and I'm still completely lost in Physics. It seems you have to go to ALL his office hours to be even a little competent, and that's STILL not enough. Oh well. Piles and Piles of studying await me tonight.

It's so weird not having rehearsal every day. It feels like I didn't even go to school last week because I spent 10 hours at the theater EVERY day after class. And that's not even an exaggeration. My class got out at 2, I walked over to Royce, and stayed there until past midnight.

I am excited to have more time, though. Okay, so the sun is making my little black keys on this keyboard very VERY warm and I have nothing further to say, so I'll see you tomorrow.

BEDA?

I think I'm going to try to get into the habit of writing every day. In the internet world, April is the month of blogging everyday, otherwise known as Blog Every Day April (BEDA). I've always thought blogging is an excellent way to improve writing skills as well as a good outlet for thoughts and junk like that. So let's give it a go, shall we?

I'm currently a little distracted right now, though, because right now Jessye and I are watching Step Up. I finished my math homework, can't start my computing homework, and don't want to do physics because it's already seven at night and I'm not in the mood. I've declared tomorrow physics day. It's going to be intense.

So far this movie is depressing. These guys broke into a performing arts school, trashed the place, and now we get to see the crappy life the main character leads. I know it gets better and there's dancing and all, but right now it's not cheery at all.

Now he's walking down and people are just walking down the hallways singing harmony and playing violin at each other. Yep, this is real life.

I have nothing else to say. Hopefully you'll see me tomorrow.

Sunday Night Ramblings.

I think this is one of those nights in which I would turn my computer off, turn off the lights in my room, open the curtains, and sit on my bed with an instrument in only the glow of the moon. Or if it wasn't cold outside, go sit on my driveway. Last year I felt disconnected with Wilcox and with school, so more often than not I would be done with rehearsal, homework, and other obligations by dinner time. Come 9 o'clock at night, I was beyond bored, having grown tired of television and the internet. Too early to go to bed, I would pass the time with an instrument on my bed, looking out the window. Or on the driveway.

Certainly, one of the things I miss about home is my driveway. Simple things I never thought I miss. I miss having a couch.

And tonight is one of those nights I wish I could just be alone. I'm not tired, and don't feel like sleeping. I woke up at 2 in the afternoon today, after getting back to my room at 5 in the morning (due to a performance of DRS, strike, and a visit to Denny's), so I guess it's my own fault for not being sleepy. But I don't have class for another 11 hours! So if this were last year, I would know what to do with myself. This weekend both of my roommates were gone, and I had the room to myself, although I didn't get to enjoy it that much. I was gone all of Saturday, and only came back to the room to drop my stuff of at 2 in the morning, and to pass out at 5. By the time I woke up today, both roommates were back. Oh well.

And now I have to get back into the swing of things. Already I'm behind, and I've only been in school a week. Since returning to UCLA on Sunday after Spring Break, my whole life has revolved around Dirty Rotten Scoundrels. Although I pretty much know what's going on in Math and Computing, I'm so extremely lost in Physics. The class is hard, and the professor is hard. I'm going to office hours on Tuesday. And I need to start reading and doing practice problems. Performing this last weekend has made me miss theater and miss being on stage, and for a split second I considered auditioning for other various theater things. But I just don't have the time or energy to juggle theater and school. I could in high school, but this an entirely different ball-game. I'm hoping I can play music more often this quarter, and get some creative outlet that way.

I'm not really sure where this is going or if I had a point, I'm just kind of bored on a Sunday night at 11:06 pm. I guess I'm kind of homesick too. A lot of people at UCLA are from Southern California, and have the luxury of living nearby. They can go home easily, or their family and friends can drive up and visit them. I'm starting to feel disconnected from everything.

In other news, I really want to cut my hair. After this weekend of torturing it (curling it, brushing it out, french braid, curling, repeat) I think it needs to get some healthy treatment.

O HAI IM BACK

So I just ran over to LuValle and got myself a Roast Beef Sammy. Delicious.

What was I talking about?

So it is Tuesday of first week of Spring Quarter. Yesterday, I applied to engineering officially. I'm not exactly what type of "statement" they wanted, so I just typed up a college-admission-type thing. I'm not terribly concerned, but I still don't want to think about what I'll do if I am rejected. I don't know why I would be.

Anyways, this week is tech week, so it's going to be awfully busy even though it's only week one. Yesterday I set foot in Royce Hall (where we are performing) for the first time, and OH MY GOD IT'S BEAUTIFUL. Biggest and best theater I have ever been in or performed in. It's nice to be back in a theater again. I visited Wilcox's theater when I was home for Spring Break, but it's not comparable to Royce Hall gearing up for tech week.

I'm going to go do something else now. BYE.

Tech Week Is Upon Us.

I'm just going to overlook my extended absence from Blogger and post this entry like I'm a regular blogging machine. The main reason for this entry is that I'm at rehearsal for Dirty Rotten Scoundrels, and probably have an hour and a half before I'm needed. It just occurred to me that I could go eat dinner. I'm not called for this bit of rehearsal. But I came because it's the first week of classes and I don't have much to do. Also, I thought I could go help out at Royce, but I popped in over there and had nothing to do, so here I am.

This quarter is probably going to be difficult, but I have really good professors, so I think it balances out. My resolution for this quarter is to go to office hours more often, since they probably help. I'm just lazy. I need to change this.

Okay, I'm going to run to get food while I have the chance.

Sad.

Strawberry probably isn't going to happen for me.

=[

HEY GUYS I'M HOPPING ON THE BANDWAGON

http://www.formspring.me/megkatjo