Also, I think I'm afraid to fall asleep.
Now what the hell does that mean?
Friday, December 31, 2010
Spiraling downward at 1:54am.
What's going on with me?
I'm starting to have the sinking suspicion that I've hit rock bottom, or some other lowly depressing state, and I don't know if I'm trying that hard to fight against it.
Today I such great plans. Because of stupid reasons, I've been staying up until the wee hours of the morning, and waking up in the afternoon. I've convinced myself that it's okay because I'm on break, and I have nothing better to do in the morning, so why not sleep it off? The result is my sleep pattern shifting ever so slightly to the point of ridiculousness; today I woke up at 2:30 pm. You'd think I was jet lagged or something! Yesterday Alex and I made plans to hang out together, since we haven't seen each other for more than six hours since he's been home. I was determined to make this day a good one. I was going to get up early (for me, anyhow) in the morning, make myself some breakfast, be productive, and spend as much time with Alex as I could. I set TWO alarms. Including one I had to get out of bed to turn off. And what happen? I wake up at 2 freakin' thirty.
It turns out that Alex didn't even plan to see me until late afternoon, so I guess it wasn't a disaster. I guess I had other plans in mind though, and as I was rushing around my house trying to get ready, taking the quickest shower I could, he called. We decided we would have dinner together, and I as I hung up the phone I had to fight the urge to cry. I feel guilty for wasting my days, along with a slew of emotions that are looming over my head that I can't seem to articulate.
A couple days ago I was up way too late and started to watch "Girls Who Like Boys Who Like Boys," a show about girls and their gay guy best friends. It made me think about Alex and I, and our evolution as friends. Even though we care for each other a great deal, I don't know if it will ever be exactly the way I want it.
It really just comes down to loneliness. I am afraid to be alone. I cling to other people so I don't have to be. My entire life I've clung to a best friend, sometimes too tightly. I don't know why I'm like this, and I don't like the way it makes feel, but I don't know how to be okay with it.
Today I came across this.
It helps. And even though I don't make new years resolutions, I'd like to get good at learning to be alone.
So where does that leave me? The future brings both gifts and curses, and I'm caught swimming around in uncertainty. I desperately want to be a better person but that takes time and patience which are hard to come by these days. I desperately want to be happy, but I don't even know what can. I guess I'll have to take it slowly.
I'm starting to have the sinking suspicion that I've hit rock bottom, or some other lowly depressing state, and I don't know if I'm trying that hard to fight against it.
Today I such great plans. Because of stupid reasons, I've been staying up until the wee hours of the morning, and waking up in the afternoon. I've convinced myself that it's okay because I'm on break, and I have nothing better to do in the morning, so why not sleep it off? The result is my sleep pattern shifting ever so slightly to the point of ridiculousness; today I woke up at 2:30 pm. You'd think I was jet lagged or something! Yesterday Alex and I made plans to hang out together, since we haven't seen each other for more than six hours since he's been home. I was determined to make this day a good one. I was going to get up early (for me, anyhow) in the morning, make myself some breakfast, be productive, and spend as much time with Alex as I could. I set TWO alarms. Including one I had to get out of bed to turn off. And what happen? I wake up at 2 freakin' thirty.
It turns out that Alex didn't even plan to see me until late afternoon, so I guess it wasn't a disaster. I guess I had other plans in mind though, and as I was rushing around my house trying to get ready, taking the quickest shower I could, he called. We decided we would have dinner together, and I as I hung up the phone I had to fight the urge to cry. I feel guilty for wasting my days, along with a slew of emotions that are looming over my head that I can't seem to articulate.
A couple days ago I was up way too late and started to watch "Girls Who Like Boys Who Like Boys," a show about girls and their gay guy best friends. It made me think about Alex and I, and our evolution as friends. Even though we care for each other a great deal, I don't know if it will ever be exactly the way I want it.
It really just comes down to loneliness. I am afraid to be alone. I cling to other people so I don't have to be. My entire life I've clung to a best friend, sometimes too tightly. I don't know why I'm like this, and I don't like the way it makes feel, but I don't know how to be okay with it.
Today I came across this.
It helps. And even though I don't make new years resolutions, I'd like to get good at learning to be alone.
So where does that leave me? The future brings both gifts and curses, and I'm caught swimming around in uncertainty. I desperately want to be a better person but that takes time and patience which are hard to come by these days. I desperately want to be happy, but I don't even know what can. I guess I'll have to take it slowly.
Friday, December 24, 2010
Late
It's just past one in the morning, and I'm curled up on the couch with a cup of tea, almond biscotti, and mounds of blankets. The glow from Buffy the Vampire Slayer (Season 5, Episode 22) playing on LOGO is the only light on in the house. And even though I've already seen every episode there is to see of Buffy, and even though I will end up staying awake until 2am, I am here watching.
I like the house at this time of night. The house feels empty. The house feels mine. It's finally quiet and dark, the way I like it. Nobody is bothering me, and nobody interrupts me.
Michelle Trachtenberg is frightening when she screams. It is simultaneously gravelly and high pitched, and all around makes me feel uncomfortable.
I like the house at this time of night. The house feels empty. The house feels mine. It's finally quiet and dark, the way I like it. Nobody is bothering me, and nobody interrupts me.
Michelle Trachtenberg is frightening when she screams. It is simultaneously gravelly and high pitched, and all around makes me feel uncomfortable.
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