Party like it's... 1999 + 10?

The year is closing soon, and because I have nothing better to do at the present moment, I'll recap first yesterday (since it's freshest in my mind) and then the whole year. Aaaaaaaand here we go.

Alex and I journeyed to San Fransisco yesterday without any real plans in mind. I'm actually surprised things went as well as they did. After checking out some shops around Market street, we realized we were hungry, so we ate at this cute little bistro in the middle of a deserted street, down a block from Union Square. We could even see the giant Christmas tree in the distance from where we sat. After that we walked to the Metreon, hoping to catch a showing of Sherlock Holmes. Amazingly, it wasn't playing (probably because Avatar was taking up half the theater). So instead we went to a tea lounge overlooking Yerba Buena Gardens, and sat for an hour. Normally I'm not really a tea person, but we got the most delicious chai tea I've ever had, and a Earl Red which grew on me. It was nice to just sit and relax, looking out over the park. Earlier in the day I had wanted to go to Fisherman's Wharf, but Alex reminded me about Haight and Ashbury. So after trying to figure out which bus to catch (a nice native showed us the right one), and a shortish jerky bus ride, we were there! We checked out the music shop first, which I was frankly a little disappointed with, since you couldn't touch the instruments unless you asked. I did end up finding a fiddle book, which I'll hopefully use more when I get better (I decided to pick up the instrument again. We'll see how this goes.) Then we just strolled up and down the street, checking out exchange, vintage, and thrift stops. I found a dress for the new year's party tonight! It was getting late, and dark, so we headed back to Market to get on Bart and go home. It was a really pleasant San Fransisco experience.

ANYHOW.

In beginning to recap the year, I realized that that was this blog's original purpose. At the beginning of 2009, 365 projects began springing up everywhere, so I jumped on the bandwagon as well.

I started to re-read all my previous posts, but there's over a hundred, and I really don't say anything about my life. The posts are more musings and commentary on small events, rather than descriptive detail of my life.

2009 was filled with a lot of life-changing events, like me graduating high school and going to college. Senior year in high school was completely different than previous years, both in a negative and positive way. I missed my class of '08 friends, and wasn't involved in theater as much as normal. I was ready to be DONE with high school, and just ready to move on. During the summer I worked for the city as a camp counselor, which I think I'll do again. My mom was diagnosed with breast cancer, which I didn't really tell anyone about until I accidentally blurted it out one night. Besides the fact that I didn't know how to deal with it, I didn't really feel like talking or thinking about it. It was scary, especially when we didn't know how bad the cancer was, or what the next steps were. Luckily, after some surgeries and tests, we found out that the cancer was benign and that she didn't carry the gene for the cancer, which means Becky and I have a better chance of NOT getting it. In the fall, I headed down south for UCLA. I had the hardest time deciding where to go to school, and I'm happy to report that I made the right choice. I love UCLA, have a steady group of friends, and just finished a successful first quarter. I'm even excited to go back and start winter quarter. After being here for three and a half weeks, I've realized that there is not much for me here now. I've also picked a major! After winter quarter I can apply to the engineering school, and hopefully transfer successfully to the computer science major. Ultimately, I want to move back to the Silicon Valley and work at some tech company (like Google or Apple, etc.). LA is great and all, but I love the Bay Area.

Well, that's about all. I think I'll go make some crepes now.

Sometimes

I just want to cuddle.

Very late at night, and in the morning light.

I think the best way to view college is a game. Metaphors aside, if you view it like a competition or a race, it gives you motivation where you probably had none. I find that if I think of homework and studying the way I think about playing Bejewled or Tetris, I'm more likely to be productive and/or successful.

Anyways.

It was really nice to be home, even if for just a couple of days. Ever since I got sick, a different kind of sickness stayed with me. I was sad to return to school, especially since the next two weeks will be hellish, but I just realized that I'm here for 11 more days until I come home again. And then I'll have three weeks, and no schoolwork to worry about. YES.

I realized I don't really enjoy school all that much. But I have to grin and bear it. And that's what the first paragraph up there is for.

On another note, someone said something to me a couple nights ago that got me thinking about things I shouldn't be thinking about. And then I started rereading blog posts from THREE YEARS ago, which is never a good thing. Even though I've aged and hopefully matured in three years, some things never change.

It feels much later than it is. I wonder why that is.

I think I just needed to write.

I don't know why I suddenly felt the urge or need to log into MySpace, but I did. Though it's been a while since I've used it frequently, I still log on occasionally, for really no other reason than there is an icon in my browser, nestled between Facebook and Yahoo. The style and format of the page has changed from when MySpace reigned, but it sits in a little corner of the interweb, still holding messages from long ago. It's like an abandoned town. My page is still decked out in my favorite colors, complete with pictures and a filled in "about me" section. There are comments from friends. It's a relic.

I went into my inbox, because that's where the interesting stuff really is. I went through some old conversations, some that I had no idea what was being talked about, and others that reminded me of a silly fight or weekend plans I had one night. In particular, I enjoyed finding responses to survey's that I had snarkily completed. I feel like I was much clever then. Or I was trying to be clever. I'm not really sure.

I went back over to Facebook, the MySpace of now, and at the suggestion of Daniel Cohen started to fill out a survey in the style of me being silly and insolent. I did the first couple of questions, trying be best to be funny or clever or interesting. The third question asked me when I was last hugged by a guy. This made me sad, because I've hardly been hugged here at college. So I stopped.

It's not meant to be a pity party, just what happened. And that's what happened.

__

A while ago I accidentally compared The Jonas Brothers to The Beatles. Luckily, I have the right friends, and they demanded I take it back immediately. But part of what I said is true! With the release of New Moon this week, I got to thinking about crazy hysterical pre-teen obsessions.

Now, I know that I like The Beatles. I like their music quite a lot. And though I do sometimes get the feeling that some people who "like" The Beatles only do so because it makes them feel cool, it's not like it was 30-40 years ago. Which makes me wonder if I was a teenager when The Beatles were in their heyday, would I still like them? Or would I be too disgusted by the screaming girls around me that I refused to listen to them. In the third grade I HATED Pokemon because everyone liked it. I created my own card game - Appaloosas! Or in contrast, would I be one of those screaming girls? And furthermore, if I rejected them because of their overwhelming popularity, isn't that just as bad as accepting them because of it?

Maybe the Twilight series follows this same hypothetical fate. Disregarding the fact that Twilight has no literary merit whatsoever, would I like this series if it wasn't accompanied by ridiculous fan-girls who are in love with the main character? If it wasn't so disgustingly popular, would I be able to like the books for what they are? Now, I've read three of the books. I was hooked when I read Twilight. I finished it in two days, and craved New Moon. But the ultimate answer to this hypothetical question is no. The books are awful, even if I didn't realize it at first.


I don't really know what the whole point of this blog post was. It started with MySpace, and ended with me concluding that Twilight sucks. Goodnight.

I Can't Get Started

I'm going to have to leave in 2 minutes, so this blog will probably be either short or completely nonexistent.

I'm having trouble doing anything productive right now. It's mostly because I'm sick and don't feel like doing anything but lie in bed and feel sorry for myself. The doctor said it wasn't swine flu, which is good, but I still feel awful. It hurts to swallow, which is my most annoying symptom. You don't realize how many times you absentmindedly swallow throughout the course of the day until it's so painful you don't even drink "plenty of fluids" like you're supposed to do when you're sick.

I just returned from transferring my laundry. I hate doing laundry. I had more to talk about, but I'm too tired. Goodbye.

Stars are coming out now, do you miss me?

I have not written in a very long time, and that's probably because class and midterms and in general being busy and not having anything specific or special to say.

But I have just returned from a weekend home, and thought I'd share a bit about what's been going on.

Last week was crazy and hectic, because I experienced my first college midterms, and I was sick, and I went to a Regina Spektor concert, and then I finally went home for the first time since college started. Two of my midterms I feel really really good about. My other one made me cry a little bit on the inside. So we'll see how that turns out. After taking said impossible midterm, I went to see Regina Spektor, which was what you think it'd be. She is one of my favorite people, and so I'm so happy I finally got to see her play. And it was nice to see a familiar face (Andrew Dodson). The next morning, I took my final midterm. I planned to go out that night and celebrate the end of gross midterms, but I decided to stay in to completely recover from my cold. I've been getting sicker more than normal. I don't appreciate it.

I went home this weekend for Halloween (fully recovered, yay!). Alex came over to my house immediately after seeing Spring Awakening, and we went with Aaron to get some Donut Wheel. Then I went to drop Alex off at home, but he was locked out of his house, so we had a sleepover! The next day we made candy, played Beatles Rockband (with another mic, so we could sing harmony!), did some Halloween Caroling, went to a party, and had some delicious pho. It was a full day, which was fitting for the amount of time I had in the Bay Area. Today I just had lunch with my parents, and then flew back.

Now I'm listening to new Lauren Shera (which makes me want to get out my guitar really really badly) and waiting for Amanda to come home so we can trade Halloween stories.


Annd goodbye.

What a glorious feeling, I'm happy again!

I had a thought last night as I was trying to fall asleep.

I'm really happy. Aside from small petty things and the fact that I'm back to writing essays and taking tests and getting graded, I'm really enjoying college thus far. It's a really nice realization, especially considering how in previous posts I would complain and gripe about how unsatisfied with life I was. Even though I'm undeclared and even though I don't really know what I'm doing with my life (still), I feel like I'm in the right place, surrounded by the right people. I'm content with everything, and I'm finally happy to say that I'm happy.

I miss everyone at home, of course, but sometimes it's good to miss things.

P.S. I'm coming home next weekend!

Ain't in the truth.

Megan: Why is it so hard to find people who appreciate bluegrass?
Heidi: Because everyone is a dick.

And I'm not even talking about liking straight up bluegrass. I'm not even talking about LIKING it. I'm talking about having a basic appreciation for it. Of listening to it and being and able to acknowledge that wonderfulness of what is going on.

Bluegrass. It's better than it sounds.
(It really is.)


The music that I listen to and love isn't even bluegrass. I do listen to some Ricky Skaggs and Kentucky Thunder, but that's because it's SO GOOD. And what I do listen to has folk INFLUENCES.

People can be so prejudice. I like acoustic instruments. I am a mellow person. I don't really like rap or hip hop or basically what most college students like.

Oh well. Hopefully I'll be able to find people with similar tastes out there.

(And let's not forget musicals...But that is a different story, for another time.)

Megan Font, and Public Speaking.

Last night's (or this morning, whatever) hardly qualifies as a post. It didn't say anything of value and was a completely selfish endeavor. For this I am quite sorry, blog readers. I shall try to make it up to you, if I don't get distracted or abandon my attempt.

My first Monday of classes went pretty well, though waking up for a nine o'clock class is less than fun. Okay, I’m not going to lie. I just got a little distracted because I learned how to make a font from my own handwriting. So now I’m typing out this blog on a word document in Megan Font because I can, and because it’s cool.

ANYWAYS.

I was hesitant and anxious to go to my first class this morning, because it was my first Music and Film class, which I was/am hoping will be interesting. What I noticed was more the professor, her way of speaking and mannerisms. Even though today was my third official day of school, it was only my second lecture, and already I think it’s fascinating the way in which people behave when put in front of other people and are forced to speak. My calculus professor is a fairly young German dude. He spoke quietly (well, quiet for a lecture hall) and seemed nervous, like he was not comfortable teaching a large group of students. My music history professor was subtly unsettled, but she was definitely more comfortable speaking.

Which led to me to realize how important public speaking is. Maybe I take it for granted, but the ability to put yourself in front of other people, open your mouth, and let words come out is so necessary and useful in almost all situations. Professors should take public speaking classes, or at least not be afraid of their own voice. Some people are so quiet and so passive, and I can’t stand it.

I’ve been spending my time in the lounge, while some floormates get crackin’ on their math homework. They are about finished, so I am going to finish as well.



I can’t get over how cool Megan Font is. Anyways, hopefully I’ll post more later. BYE CYBERSPACE.

Distraction.

Right now I really have to go to the bathroom, but my roommate is in the shower. So to keep me occupied until I can go relieve myself, as well as do all my nighttime rituals, I shall type this blog. Tomorrow is Monday, the first Monday of college, starting off the first real week of school. We had two days of school, but they were kind of baby days. I've already had reading to do, but that wasn't any fun.

She's out. Goodbye.

Or else I must be in LA.

Well, since moving in on Friday, I've finally found block of down time in which to collect my thoughts and describe what exactly has been going on the past couple of days. Right now one of my roommates, Amanda, is taking a short nap, and the other, Jessica, is out and about. Taking a nap sounds good, since we all got up way earlier than we wanted to, but I know that I won't really be able to fall asleep, so I should at least try and be productive. Today was the UCLA volunteer day, in which 5,000 or some people got on buses to go volunteer at various places. But I'll get to that in a minute. Let's rewind...

Thursday night was hard. After spending most of the day packing, somewhat rushedly (which is my fault, I know), I scurried off to a million places until I was at dinner with my parents. I had plans to go see Alex and everyone else that night, but first I needed to pack the car. We brought out all my stuff (most of it in garbage bags, unintentionally a la Rory Gilmore), and first I was worried that I had way too much stuff. After a couple of pokes, pushes, smushes, and wedges, we finally got it all to fit. And then I was off to Alex and the rest. And then it hit me. As I drove to Cupertino to see Alex for the last time, I was overcome with emotion, and broke down. It was the first time I actually realized I was leaving. And I stayed like that, because after I said goodbye to Alex, I had to say goodbye to the next person, and the next person, and the next. By the time I reached Jessica's house, I was spent. I had been crying for the past hour and a half straight. After rooftop picnicking with Kevin, Sarah, and Chris, it was really time to go to bed, so I could wake up and leave. I got little to no sleep that night, as five o'clock came too fast. And before I knew it, I was in LA.

Friday was crazy. I moved in, said awkward hellos with roommate #1, and spent some last moments with my family. After an anticlimactic goodbye, my parents left to see Becky, and I headed back to my dorm.

On Saturday I decided to go with my roommate to the football game, seeing as I didn't have anything else planned and didn't really feel like spending my first full day at college alone in a dorm room, where I knew nobody, since roommate #2 wouldn't show up until the next morning. The football game ended up being really fun, and I bought tickets for the whole season. We ended up sitting with a bunch of other people we met in line, and it was nice to have school spirit. I quite enjoyed doing the 8-clap.

On Sunday morning I woke up late, and soon met roommate #2. That night was Bruin Bash, but Amanda (roommate #1) and I didn't really feel like going, since that wasn't really our thing. We didn't feel like standing in a rediculously long line for something we really didn't want to go to. We ended up exploring Westwood, which I'm already in love with. It's a mix of small-town and city downtowns, complete with cute shops, lights on trees, many places to eat, old-style movie theaters, and hobos. The first thing I found once we got to Westwood Village was the Geffen Playhouse, which is a short 15 minute walk from my room, and produces plays and musicals. I am so excited. I gots to find me some theater friends so we can talk shop! After we'd seen all of Westwood (it really isn't that big), we headed back to Pauley and caught a bit of Bruin Bash. After seeing that it was terrible, stupid, and a waste of our time, we left and watched the new episode of Glee on my laptop.

Yesterday was the Enourmous Activities Fair, which is like club fair, but times 100000. And because it's college, there was a lot of free food! I saved a meal swipe by having my lunch down on the IM field, enjoying salads and sandwiches and the BEST beef flautas. I took a lot of fliers for a capella groups, and some for theater companies on campus. There is one particular group that I'm really interested in, seeing as they've done shows I really really like in the past. Last night was a bunch of boring talks and such, but included a BBQ. We all ended up back at Fir (my building) for our floor meeting around 9, and since nothing was really going on, Amanda and I just wandered the hall talking to people, since a lot of people left their doors open and were being social. The excitement came when we got locked out of our room when Jessica left for dinner, and we didn't have anything; no room keys, no Bruin Cards, no shoes. We just wandered some more until Amanda broke down and ran to the front desk to get a new room key. I still think it was a fun night, regardless.

TODAY, we woke up early so we could wait in line to get on a bus. UCLA is very proud of Volunteer Day, as they have said in countless speeches, yet today was the first day it ever happened. It was voluntary, so the title said, but it really wasn't. It was highly encouraged, plus I'd feel bad for skipping out (even though quite a few people from my floor did). All I knew was that we were painting a high school. After waiting an hour before our bus left, and driving an hour to get there, we finally arrive at our location. Now, I'm all for volunteering. I did my fair share in high school, and was basically president of TAC. But this volunteerism was all for show, in my opinion. There were cameras at our dorms and at the school, capturing every moment of our "heroism." This school did not need us. This school was nicer than Wilcox. All we did was paint some lines on the basketball courts and add some color to the cement walls in the PE area. In my opinion they wasted money, and all they mostly cared about were press releases saying how selfless and wonderful UCLA students were. Furthermore, the back of our volunteer shirts pretentiously say, "Building a Community of Heroes." If they wanted us to volunteer and to mobilize this college campus, I feel like there were many better ways in which to have done it. But it's over now, and I can just focus on the beginning of classes. Tomorrow is my last day of summer, officially. I've still got to buy a solutions manual and reader, but other than that I'm pretty much ready for school. I really hope that the first quarter goes well. College is scary.

It seems like I've been here longer than five days. Now, I'm going to go relax, get some paint off me, and get ready for dinner at the dining hall. Seeing as I don't have a good way to end this blog post I just will.

I feel like sewing.

I had nothing to do today, so I decided to watch four episodes of Project Runway. Although I particularly loved the second season, I haven't really paid that much attention to the show. And usually when I do, I start to feel inspired. So I have for you, ladies and gentleman, some sketches.


The first, which is a basic sweetheart A-line dress.


The second.... which is practically the same. I think I wanted to put more structure in the top (kind of like a corset, but not too provocative).


The third, which basically gets rid of the midsection by having a smaller band across the waist. I wanted the band to have pattern, and the rest to be a solid. The only problem is this dress is probably short. But again, sweetheart A-line.


The fourth, which has sort of a different neckline, and wide-to-narrow straps that lend more support. I wanted to design these dresses with curves in mind, since a lot of dresses I try on with a separate boob and waist section forget that some women have larger boobs. And they need to be supported.


The fifth is just playing around with a straight neckline and a v-type thingy leading to an A-line instead of a band. I still like the straps though.


In the last one, I wanted to incorporate sleeves. The triangle straps are still there, but this time they lead to sheer sleeves that end in a ruffle type hem. The bust is composed of a sweetheart neckline, which some sort of subtle texture, in a solid color. There is a band/belt with something in the middle. The bottom is a sheer ruffle thing, with layers.




In conclusion, I love sweetheart necklines with an A-line dress. I think curves are wonderful. The End.

I love college.

I have a bit of time, in between major/minor workshops and a meeting with our Orientation Counselor, so I thought I'd post an update. Being here is so wonderful, because it finally feels real, in a very good way. It eases my anxiety a bit to be around other people who are like me, who don't really know what they're doing, and who are excited about the fall. I've been exercising my people meetin' skills!

This campus is beautiful at dusk and nighttime. The setting sun set against the red brick and gorgeous architecture makes me incredibly happy for no reason.

I am so tired, because they don't give us very much time to sleep, and it's college, so people are loud. The dorm I'm staying in shares a bathroom with another room. Six girls, one shower, one toilet. To make it worse, the doors to the bathroom are very loud and heavy and slam when you shut them. But it's ok, because it's only for two days, and my real dorm has a private bath. I am seriously considering crawling up to my bunk and taking a mini-nap before going to meet my OC. Both of my orientation roommates are doing it right now.

Luckily, my computer somehow gets internet. There is no wifi in the room, but another girl has an ethernet cable that she let me borrow. They don't really give us much free time though.

Okay, that's enough blogging. Goodbye!

Winding down.

A little note:

Right now I'm packing for orientation. I am getting at up some godforsaken hour to board a plane and fly down South for three days of being "out of my comfort zone," as my dad says. Mostly I'm just feeling stressed out, because I've left everything until the last minute, including knowing what to bring and what to pack. Adding on extra stress is the fact that I'm going to San Diego to hang out with Becky for two days after orientation, so I'm bringing along stuff for her as well. I'm also really nervous about being down there by myself. I've flown alone before, so that's no big deal, but it's the three days around people I have never met before. I suppose that's what college is like, but it's still intimidating.

Today I found out my roommates! We've all facebook friended, and I'm looking forward to getting to know them.


Okay, back to packing.

The things you could do, you won't, but you might.

I don't know if it's routine hormonal fluctuations that are inspiring this current bought of comfortableness, but I've been in a quiet funk for the past several days. Combining frustration and unhappiness, it's been festering inside me, so here is my awful attempt at trying to release some pent up... something. When I try to reflect upon myself and determine what exactly is making me feel like this, the closest I can come is that I am not happy. As much as I pursue fun activities and spend time with friends, I still find myself in some kind of strange depression that sits on me, its weight slightly uncomfortable, yet bearable. For the most part, I know what I want, and when I don't get it I just spiral down into nothingness. What I lack has become so apparent that it's no longer prowling silently in the background. Perhaps it's because my days are numbered here, and I feel like I'm running out of opportunities. I don't mean to be dramatic, forcing attention from people by proclaiming, "HEY GUYS I'M LEAVING SOON SO HANG OUT WITH ME AND FULFILL ALL OF MY NEEDS." I certainly don't mean to create situations in which people are uncomfortable or coerced into doing something. Moving out is completely new to me. I've never lived anywhere but here, so the protocol is lost on me. My dad moved a lot when he was younger; his dad was a traveling salesman, so he often moved. He didn't have a consistent life growing up, which is why he made sure we would never have to move. But we have now reached the inevitable - college.

Oh dear me, I've veered off-topic. My whole funk is indirectly related to college, I'm pretty sure. Right now I'm listening to Elliot Smith because he fits my mood right now. I started listening to "Between the Bars," and the opening lines seemed like they had been written for this exact moment. Part of the inspiration for this late-night post is that I have not been out of my house save for two brief times. I have done next to nothing today, and when that happens I fall deeper into this pit of despair. As a student in school, I always hated when my time was wasted. I suppose it's the exact same situation here. Sitting in my room, with my laptop overheating from computer games and constant patrol of the internet, I feel completely useless and wasted. There is no purpose for today. Why did it exist in the first place? The part of me that wants to change this will be met with reality. Reasonably speaking, I have the potential to leave. I can get up, walk out my front door, and change my hermit existence of the day. But the problem of what to do or who to meet or being tired since it's already late confronts me in the meanest of ways. It doesn't do well to dwell in the past. I think I've been focusing on it too much, and that's hurt me in much deeper ways. Hopefully moving out and up will fix this problem. It's definitely bittersweet.

That's enough writing, my brain is starting to loose the ability to phrase sentences.

We're not in Kansas anymore.

Last night I dreamt that there was a tornado heading straight for us, so we took cover underneath a race car stadium. Apparently, their locker rooms and offices were below ground. We hid underneath until I realized there was a window, and I popped it out. It looked like Munchkinland, all bright and colorful, and there had been no tornado at all, according to the person who answered the door. We left the wreckage and the dream ended.



...

What?

Stream of Consciousness Ramblings...sort of

I've gotten into a routine, as far as internet things go. I check Facebook, Youtube, Blogger, Twitter, and sometimes just for the hell of it, my MyUCLA page to see if anything exciting is happening. This just in: my Bruin Card was mailed today. I look forward to watching videos by certain YouTubers, and I read Blogs written by people I have never even met. One blogger, in particular, writes every day, and that has gotten me thinking about the begining of the year, when I aimed to complete a 365. And although it wasn't always pretty or metaphorical, it was an excellent practice at phrasing words and articulating thoughts. I think I should start writing more often. Even now, I'm struggling to find new and inventive ways to start my sentences off with words other than "I" or "The." Has my haitus from writing really led me down such a disaterous road? I've heard the best way to become a better writer is to read more, which I surely don't do enough of. During the school year I'd tell others and myself that I'd have more time to read books I actually enjoyed when I had time and was not being forced to. Truth be told, I haven't picked up a book since May. I blame work. I still feel trapped, like when I was in school. Getting paychecks is nice, but waking up every morning knowing exactly what I'm doing for a majority of it is depressing. Especially during the summer. Oh well. There's only so much complaining you can do.

Part of the problem is that I feel more creative and able to write during small, fleeting moments that must be grabbed ahold of before they flutter away. Last night, after turning off my computer and waiting for sleep to settle in, I thought to myself about the importance of writing daily. I was already in bed, and my comptuer was off, so I'd just have to hope that whatever eloquent thought that was floating around in my head would somehow stick there. The thought finds me right now, as I should probably start heading off to bed. Some point I thought of last night is surely gone, and all I can do is try to recreate the creativity I once had. Sometimes it is impossible to take advantage of even the simplest situations. Other friends of mine have been known to scribble down dreams between puffs of unconsciousness. Perhaps I should invest in a bedside notepad.

Well, there are probably more thoughts, but I'll leave them to my pillow.

August.

I keep doing a double take every time I look at the date. It surely can't be August?! It feels like the summer is practically over already, and I've barely done anything yet. I'm sure that this is mostly a result of working everyday, and not realizing that I have a longer summer than normal. For the past 12 years, I was used to August meaning the return of school. If I were a year younger, I'd be back in desks in a mere two and a half weeks. The summer would be over.

And slowly, as July has blended into August which will soon blend into September, I've had to also realize that I am leaving soon. I haven't given it much thought before now, as I've been focused on working, and trying to fit some fun summer things into my days. Even typing it out makes my stomach twist in knots. I am terrified. I've never been away from this house for more than two weeks. Clematis has been my street for the past 18 years. My house is truly my home, and the thought that everything is about to chance in a matter of a month and a half is almost unfathomable. Which is why I haven't thought about it. College is exciting, and something that I have been thinking about and working towards for six years, but it actually being here is surreal.

I hope that when work is over, I'll have some time to relax, and really see my friends before I leave. Only 7 days left of work! It's another countdown, but so is life.

Scratch that.

.

I need to learn to vary my sentence structure.

I'm discontented. Partly because I should be sleeping right now, but have neither the willpower nor the sleepiness to follow through. My sister is home this weekend, which is nice, since I haven't seen her in 3 months. Tonight, straight after coming home from work, I went to birthday dinner and "The Importance of Being Earnest" with the family. Earlier this week I felt like being a hermit, and the habit just continued. As a result, I have not seen a single friend since Sunday. Though I have a small, can-count-on-two-hands circle of friends, this seems like an eternity. I consider myself a people person, but in actuality, I like having a whole wing of the house to myself. My room, the "back" room, and my bathroom are primarily used by me, and the blanket used for insulation of the AC has acted as a door to the realm of Megan.

At lunch with my parents today, I recounted the tales and woes of 6-12 year olds. They told me how much they liked me working where I do, because it makes me realize why they parent me and Becky the way they do. I have to act like a mom, and in doing so, apparently grow up a little bit. Well, yes, I've graduated high school, and have a job. But I'm 18, and doggoneit, I'm not going to make excuses. I feel frustrated and emotional, and for the most part immature. I don't mind complaining about working everyday. I START TOO MANY SENTENCES WITH "I."

We live in a world of hypocracy. We hate it when we are complained to, but in our times of need, we scream out for attention. Some people live in completely different worlds.

This is my mummbled jumbo for tonight: I need some human contact outside of my relations.

Top of the World Dinner Party

Today, we decided to be adventurous.

Me, Alycia, Jessica, Stephanie, and Krystyna packed up the mini van with some blankets, instruments, and snackies, and headed to the hills to watch the sunset. After two small detours, we finally [after driving for a very long time] made it to a perfect viewpoint. We could see the entire Bay Area, from San Fransisco to the South Bay. We had a nice little picnic in the dark [as we had missed the sun go down...]. On the way to the lookout spot we drove past some mountains, and for a fleeting moment, I caught the sunset between two distant hills. It was one of the most beautiful sights I have ever seen. And yet, I was the driver, and had to focus on the road. The driving wasn't too bad, but everyone likes to drive like crazy people in the hills. I drive the speed limit. Sorry. I don't want to get car sick or die. I'll be happy coasting in Neutral all the way home.

I want to do it again. Maybe we can catch the sun set for reals next time.

Water is, after all, a life force.

What does the world have against water?

On my way to work this morning I realized I was low on gas and has some time to spare, so I pulled into the Shell station around the corner from Lakewood park to deal with this situation. After doing all of the necessary things in order to get gas [put card in, remove card quickly, remove the nozzle, etc.] I decided to wipe down my windshield. Then a man came up to me and tried to sell me a product that would do exactly what I was doing but without the water.

True story: I almost stopped writing this blog because I didn't know how to spell the word "nozzle," and spell check didn't know what I meant when I typed "nossle." It was very frustrating.

In other news, I am too fed up and full of pain to write anything else. I'm going to the doctor, hopefully. It's been over a week and my pain hasn't decreased at all.

New Things

Last night was Prom, and while I usually don't have that much fun at school dances, this one was different. It's probably because I succumbed to the evil rap music and booty-shaking dancing, and just went with the flow. My little prom group - Me, Alex, Christina, and Alycia - met at my house, took the traditional prom pictures, and then ate dinner at Roux, which was new and different. And there was a live band! They played a soul version of Come Together, which made me very happy.

Then we went to the actual Prom. Took pictures. Stood around awkwardly before anybody really started dancing. And then I danced awkwardly. And a good portion of it was cha-cha-ing and salsa-ing to rap music, which was probably pretty amusing.

The dancing that is done at dances is so odd. The gyrating and sex-with-clothes-on that occurs EVERYWHERE on the dance floor is just really....weird. Dance partners don't even face each other. The girl rubs their butt in the guy's crotch. It just seems like a weird way to dance. But...even though I felt really awkward and self conscious, I did it too. It was with people I knew, so it was totally fine. And you know what? I actually had a good time.

And today I went to Ms. Owen's and hung out with people I normally don't hang out with. It was nice. It's been a weekend of new and different things.

Usually on weekends, whenever I'm enjoying myself there's always that nagging feeling in the back of my mind that tells me I should be doing homework or studying or preparing for the next week. But this weekend, I had NO homework, NO studying, and NO preparing to do. It's going to take a while for that nagging feeling to go away, but it's nice to know that I have nothing academic to do until September.

Finish line?

Hello internet.

It seems I'm always counting down to something, or thinking if only it was X many days from now! Then I would have some time! The countdown I'm speaking of is until the award ceremony for Thespian Club is over, because that means school is DONEZO and I no longer have to think about grades and essays and tests and homework and award ceremonies. At least, not until September. But I know as soon as it's Saturday, June 5th, I'm going to be counting down to graduation, when I am finally free of compulsory school education. Like is just a whole lot of countdowns. Until what? Until death? Until I'm happy?

I can see the end of school, but right now I'm just tired. I just want it to stop. And it sure is slowing down, but I'm impatient and two years old. Tomorrow I have my last test, EVER, of high school. I also finished the Economics Project of Hell today [which is thirty motherfucking pages long], so I just have to finish that up with the group project [which apparently earlier years didn't have to do?!]. English is nothing, and never has been. Although, I do have to finish up my graduation speech. It probably won't get picked, but I at least wanted a chance. Not everyone gets to say that they spoke at their high school graduation.

This whole mood probably has something to do with the gigantic headache I've been acquiring over the day. Also, my sunburn has been hurting. Usually I'm pretty lucky, and my skin has been pretty resistant. Not this time. I don't ever remember hurting this much from a sunburn. Usually I turn red, but then I'm fine. No hurting, no peeling. But this one is just determined to bug the crap out of me. To make matters worse, the burn is on my shoulder areas, right where bra straps and backpack straps are supposed to go. My backpack, laden down with the only textbook I have left and my yearbook, is kind of heavy and hurts when I have to put it on.

I'm such a complainer.
But that's all I can do, internet! Hopefully I'll get better later, when all I have to worry about is work and getting ready for college. I signed up for orientation today! Woohoo.

This headache is still here. Rats.

Fun Run > Greek Festival > Mrs. Guttadauro's Party

FOTC!

So in a spurt of spontaneity, I decided to check price tickets yesterday afternoon for Flight of the Conchords. And it was like a miracle. Two tickets for $65 each in row T for the 6:00pm show. $65 is a bit steep, considering they were $40 to begin with, but when I was looking at ticket prices last month they were over a hundred. Amazingly, they were in the same row as Jessica's. It was a sign. I could go. I had to go. And thus began the frantic search to find someone to take the other ticket. After about a dozen "no"s, Andrew Dodson finally said yes! So, it was all set. He would drive me and Jess up, and we would all partake in the brilliance of FOTC.

The drive up was smooth. When we got there I was worried we wouldn't be able to find parking, since it was basically packed city streets. We could have paid $20 for parking. No, thanks. Miraculously [again!], we found parking on a curb, for free. It was just down the block from the theater. We lucked out. We were, however, kind of confused as to why we were still waiting in line outside the theater at 5:30. And still at 5:45. Once we got in, we tried to see how we could all sit together. Once again, luck played on our side, and some guys behind us said they had an extra seat. So Dodson sat right behind me and Jessica. We also soon found out the reason the concert had been delayed. Something about fire alarms going off.

And then:



They were just as cool as you'd think. I laughed so hard before the opener [which was Arj Barker, who plays Dave on FOTC] even came out. I'm so happy I got to see them.

After the concert was kind of crazy, because there were a million people trying to leave/buy merch/get pictures with Arj and another million people trying to get into the theater for the nine o'clock show. And then I started feeling really, really bad, so part of our night included running into a sushi restaurant. But then I started to feel better.

Jessica really wanted to go to Fudruckers, which was conveniently on the way home. But as we drove past it, we saw that it no longer existed. So we went to T.G.I.F. instead. And I introduced them to the amazingness that is their breadsticks. I started feeling sick again [woohoo!], but was basically better by the time I got home, which was around 11:30. I felt bad. My mom was up and wanted to go to bed.

Anyways, that is my detailed account of my day. Instead of studying for my Bio final which is tomorrow morning, I spent it rocking out with Bret and Jermaine. And I don't regret it.

Why the fuck would you want me back? Maybe it's because you don't know me at all.

THE PAST TWO WEEKS HAVE BEEN INTENSE.

The past two weeks were summed up in the past weekend. On Friday, I threw an impromptu cast party since nobody else could have it, which was ridiculously crazy. There were FIFTY teenagers in my house. I can't think of a time when there has been more people. My poor parents...

Saturday was actually pretty relaxed. I went up to Danville to visit my extended family, and mostly ended up babysitting/chasing/playing with/supervising Carter, my cousin's little 4 year old, and his brother Davis. Little kids are so funny. And darn cute. That night I saw Star Trek [again] really late at night, and got home a little later than my mom probably wanted me to.

Sunday, I picked out a prom dress, and got to see this lovely guy:



Look at his cute little grin! He just looked so happy when he was playing. It was by far one of the best concerts I've been to. Granted, that isn't a lot, but Ben Folds was an EXPERIENCE. Favorite parts of the night include: running to the front of the stage, after being the 4th person let in to the Fox Theater; drunk lady WTF?; Ben breaking a piano string because he was rocking out; THREE PART HARMONY WITH THE AUDIENCE; crazy opener lady who was probably high; those girls in front of us getting high; and spending time with my friends in general.

I've been listening to him non-stop now. I can't get over how [insert less commonly used synonym for amazing] he is.

I have nothing else to say.

I was never greater than good, but I loved you all I could.

I am about 12 hours away from being DONE with AP testing. I didn't really study, so I probably won't pass Econ, but I really don't care. I'm so ready for it to be summer. I'm almost done. The show will be over. Then I focus on Thespian Awards, then graduation, and then work. And then college. Oh, my.

Tonight was the Sony Star banquet. When I found out they would be announcing the winner FIRST, before dinner, I was really anxious. Because that's really awkward. Vanessa Harsh won, and if somebody had to win over me, I'm glad she did. She's in charge of our whole project, and has always been really involved in the community. I don't feel bad. I also thought it would be awkward after the announcement, but we're all pretty good friends. And Andrew kept making jokes, so we actually had a pretty fun time. And we got free dinner out of it.

I don't really have much else to say. The past couple of days have been really really busy, and then really really NOT busy.

BEN FOLDS BEN FOLDS BEN FOLDS BEN FOLDS

I convinced my parents on the ride home from San Jose today to drop me off at the concert so I don't have to go up a day early. Woohooooooooooo!

I DONT WANT TO STUDY I JUST WANT IT TO BE OVER WAAAHWAAAHWAAAHHHHH

One more test. And then I'm done. AHHHH.

Is it tomorrow afternoon yet?

Devolving into nothing.

Whenever I leave the dungeoness room that is the Science Lecture Hall so as to go to the bathroom, I'm always surprised by how bright and cheery it is. I suppose it's because I've just spent the past hour and something minutes in a room with no windows or natural light of any kind, where the only sound you can hear are the scribbling of pens, shuffling of papers, and coughs or sneezes of any sick test-takers. I usually never go to the bathroom because I have to go to the bathroom. It's mostly because I have extra time, and don't want to spend it in there. And every time I leave, I always think what a beautiful day it is.

Today I took my Biology exam, and while I'm pretty sure I failed it, I'm happy to know that I am almost done. Today I came home from school, cleaned my room, studied for Econ, and realized how much free time I had. I didn't have rehearsal, or any homework. I finished my allotted studying for the day. So I made some dinner, watched some Big Bang Theory, and then went outside to play my guitar and walk around for a bit. It was cold. I came back in. So here I am, reflecting on all the things I've done this afternoon, and it's not even 10 yet. I like having all this spare time, but I don't know what to do with myself!

I'm so full of nothing I don't have anything interesting to blog about. I tried writing, but it's cold, and my fingers are still kind of sore from Saturday night. Maybe I'll go make some tea. I like tea. I recorded the new episode of House, but I never get the television. It feels weird to write that word out, but "tv" just looks lazy, and "TV" looks so alien and official. Maybe I should call it "teevee." Phonetics, ftw. The whole teevee ordeal makes me stay up really late, because that's the only time I can watch anything. I could watch it tomorrow, I guess. I'm going to buy director's gifts after school with Alex and Christina, so maybe not. Then I've got to go to a Sony Star thang. Wednesday I find out who wins the scholarship. I wonder how many people [including myself] will still be motivated to work on the project even after the winner is announced.

I saw Star Trek on Sunday. It was good. I want to watch it again. Or the teevee series. I used to watch "Enterprise" when it was on UPN. I don't remember much about it though.

I'm going to end this stream of conscience rambling now and go do something, erm, productive.

Hello, little birdies.

This is a check-in.

In re-reading my last post/glancing at it casually, I realized that I sounded very angry and pissed. Which I guess I was. I was [and for the most part, still am] stressed out. But I'll try to make this post sound less......RAWRIMGOINGTOEATYOUANDYOURBABIESRAAAAAAAAWWWRRRR.


On Monday, I took my first AP test. It was actually pretty easy, and I feel confident that I passed. Woohoo! Today I took Calculus, which was...erm...more difficult that I had anticipated. I think I passed, but probably just barely. It sucks, too, because I care the most about the class. And was preparing for it hardcore the two weeks leading up to it. Oh well. I'm going to retake Calculus anyways, but I still feel kind of let down. The upside is that now I have a class that's done for the year. English is tomorrow, and it hasn't really dawned on me until today that I'm done with English. All I have to do is some multiple choice, write three essays, and I'm DONE.

And that leaves Biology and Economics. I don't care about either of these. I will study minimaly, and whatever happens, happens. Biology is rediculous anyhow. I also haven't read a chapter since the begining of the year, so I really don't know anything at all. And even after I take the damn test, the class doesn't end, becase my Biology teacher is the kind of teacher who doesn't think the class ends when AP testing is over. Yes, Ms. Slate, yes it does. Because we're taking AP Biology. As in, AP, as in, preparing to take the AP test. Argh. Oh well. I've been accepted to college.

Econ is stupid.

And then there's Little Women. We open tomorrow. I think the show will be fine, but I still wish we had more time. Bill still makes me aggravated. It's not going to be as good as Into the Woods, but that's because Into the Woods was...Into the Woods...

Sorry. This is not-so-list-like-laudry-list of some things on my mind. I don't even think future-me would care to read this. Oh well.

Don't even expect anything.

I'm not going to be in a blogging mood over the next 17 days.

I should, in fact, be sleeping right now, but I'm not. I have been busy since I got home, and have been studying and doing homework for too long to just stop, and sleep.

I am getting worn out. It's exhausting. May 17th! Ben Folds! Ahhhh. I can do it. But it's going to take a hell of a lot of willpower to get there.

Several things are frustrating. Let's take a look:

• Little Women - Don't get me wrong, the show is going to be great. But several things piss me off. Repeatedly. And when I try and say something, NOBODY LISTENS. For example, our set is so poorly designed that there is NO room to walk anywhere. He hasn't even seen us in our costumes yet. They've planned for each of us to have hoop-skirts and tons of petticoats, and they are just NOT going to fit. Furthermore, I have a song in the attic. THE ANNOYINGLY SMALL AND CRAMPED ATTIC. It's this dramatic and emotional piece, and I'm worried that because I have to maneuver awkwardly, people will find it funny, and ruin the moment. But with a huge skirt, there is no way I'm going to be able to walk between the trunk and the back wall. NO WAY. If the trunk were gone, we might be able to do it, but bill is so stubbornly stupid that he insists on having that trunk there. He'll realize on Monday, and then we'll have no time. We open in a week, for heaven's sake! Also annoying about Little Women is the fact that Bill NEVER gives acting notes. "You could have moved here at this point," he says. Yes, Bill. Yes, I could have. Never have we gotten a note that didn't pertain to stage directions. Our blocking changes all the time. And he NEVER comments on our acting. He is pointless. He might as well not be there. The closest he's come to giving me an acting comment is to just say something vague and general like "You're almost there," or "I'm not really getting her completely." That doesn't really give me anywhere to go, Bill. You're not really helping, Bill. Just go away.
• Melligan - He is a constant annoyance, but he's being particularly douchey lately. ONE, he refused to do any sort of review for Civics, and TWO, he didn't schedule any time for review for Econ. Weeks ago he claimed he was going to have review sessions during STAR testing, but since they scheduled him to take teacher's breaks, he can't do them anymore. And so he said that's it. They took his time away, and there's nothing he can do about it. We all know that the real reason he isn't giving a review session for Civics is becuase he can't review something he never taught. He doesn't know anything about Civics to being with. What is rediculous is that he was REFUSING to HELP us. He blamed it on the school, but that was just a cop-out. He's a sissy. As for Econ, he's scheduled two chapters a week right up until the week before the actual Econ test. Which means we've got homework and stuff the week in which I have THREE tests. Sara Hellstrom decided that she was going to have her own study party/review session, and in announcing it to the class Melligan got pissed and offended. If you're not going to help us, why the fuck are you mad that we want to help ourselves. He makes me want to scream. Loudly. For hours. Fuck you, Mr. Melligan. Fuck. You.

Those are the two main things, I guess. It kind of sucks not having a personal life anymore. I go to school, go to rehearsal, come home and study for a couple hours, and go to bed. Whoop-de-doo. Once Calc and Civics are done I can focus on Bio and Econ (which I haven't even started studying for yet. Civics is so soon! And I won't even have the pleasure of being able to goof off in class, since that class really ended back in January. Calculus is the test I've been preparing for the most, so I'll be relieved when that's over. It's also the one I care about the most. English is English. The open question terrifies me, but I'm just going to work with what I've got. Part of me contemplates reading "Death of a Salesman" since I've seen it on the lists of acceptable books or plays, but really...when on Earth am I going to have the time to do that?

I don't even get to sleep in this weekend. I've got part 2 of my job interivew on Saturday morning, and a TAC thing on Sunday morning. Monday I've got to wake up earlier than normal because of my AP Civics test.

When I was 13, I hiked the Grand Canyon with my family. The hike down wasn't so bad - at least, not any harder than I expected. Hiking back up was not as much fun. The last three miles, however, were torture. I remember being so close to finishing, but being so tired and ready to just sit and wait for hours until I felt better. But I couldn't stop for long. We had to get to the top. We had to finish. Right now, I'm entering those last three miles of the trail. It's the hardest and most difficult part of the journey. I'm feeling stressed out and overextended, and the finish line is just barely in sight.

My family is also going through some difficult times. I don't really want to talk about it, because it's scary and because I've been asked to not talk about it, but I need some sort of outlet. I've got to stay strong, but I'm as insecure as anyone. And I don't know how to confront this, or how to deal with it. Mostly I don't want to talk about it because I don't want to think about it. Pretending it doesn't exist seems like the easiest way to deal with it right now.

If you're a praying person, please keep me and my family in mind.

Time.

I had an interesting thought today about time, and how I don't think I would like it if time travel was possible. But I'm too busy to go into detail about that thought. Ask me later, sometime past May 15th.

Today I was also pissed at the world, and got into a yelling at the sky kind of mood. It started during 4th period. I would tell you more about it, but I'm too tired.

CONCLUSION: I am stressed out, and am realizing how little time there is left before annoying things like AP testing and tech week.

I was working on the mound of Calculus packets I have, and was hitting a brick wall. To be fair, it is 10:00, and I am tired. I had a hard time sleeping last night. I figured that if I wasn't going to do homework, I might as well get some rest.

So goodbye internet. I'm going to go watch an episode of The Dick Van Dyke Show, cozily tucked into my bed, and then drift off to sleep. Hopefully.

I'd like you to meet someone:

(it's not perfect...don't judge me)


Yes, it's a Blueridge like Kevin's, and is pretty much the same size and shape and sounds the same and looks the same, and is basically the same, but it IS a different model. And while part of me feels bad for copying him, part of me doesn't because the guitar I got is a damn good guitar. And I will have it for years and years. So I SHOULD have a guitar I love, and not one I sort of like, but is different enough to ease my conscience. I'm happy with it. So should the rest of the world. I also felt bad because I got it as Starving, and had a guitar on hold over at Showcase. But that was just me being stupid and scared. I came home, called Showcase up, and told them they no longer needed to keep it on hold. Whatever. Hell be damned. I don't care.

This weekend has lasted an enternity, and I'm not sure how. Friday night I went over to Steph's for the night, which probably had something to do with that. Friday blended into Saturday, which was divided up into 3 parts: coming home, going to Showcase with Kevin, and going to Christina's party. Today was also divided up into getting my guitar at Starving, doing odd errands like buying blankets and frames, and then working on Calculus. AP testing makes me hate life. My civics test is a week from TOMORROW, and my calc test is a week from Wednesday. Five tests are just too much. Cannot function. Too much to do. Explode.

Little Women is contributing to that. WHY IS EVERYTHING ALWAYS AT THE END OF THE SCHOOL YEAR?! Our set is kind of depressing, because it's poorly designed. Bill is disappoiting. He fell asleep in rehearsal the other day. And he doesn't give acting notes. The closest he comes is when he looks me, and says "Hm...you're almost there, but I'm not getting some of it," after a run through. WHAT DOES THAT MEAN? WHAT DO YOU WANT ME TO DO? You suck.

As you'll have noticed by my last post, I finally made a decision as to where to go to college. I made it two days before I turned 18. I'm happy with my decision, and I don't care what anyone else thinks. UCSD is a good school too, but I felt like it was the safe choice. I didn't NOT want to go to UCLA because I was too scared to. San Diego offered comfort in the form of Becky - she would be there, and my parents had already done this stuff before. It wasn't new. But as I am growing up and venturing out into the world, I decided to take a risk. UCLA is different and new, and I'm looking forward to learning and growing there over the next four years.

I've decided that you can't force relationships. So I'm not going to try anymore. I'm just going to do what I do, and if you don't like that, to hell, my dear, with you.

18!

Hey Hamlet, I've got a lot of thoughts too.

Today is the last day of spring break, which explains the 57 Facebook friends being online. I, too, am reluctant to let go of the time off from school. The period between Spring Break and the end of school is notoriously the most painful. There is a oh-come-on-it's-summer feeling in the air. Shorts and skirts make their appearances. Hey, the weather thinks it's summer, so why can't we?

Another reason we don't want to go to school is because we realize that all that spring break homework that was assigned and all that studying we should have done for AP tests HAS NOT been done. I've learned that if you're behind, it makes you less motivated to jump back into the swing of things. Perhaps it's just because of my senioritis, but ever since I got back from festival I've had a nonchalant attitude towards the whole school thing. I've got such a pile of work that it's just easier to walk away from.

But yeah, I probably shouldn't do that.

At least I got to end the weekend with my party, which was fun. Here is a picture from it:


















The open-mic night theme was just spontaneous enough to work. There was a lot of people over. It felt like I didn't get to spend much time with them. And I didn't get the best night sleep, either. My bed is so small, and really can't sleep two comfortably, unless they're snuggled up close. And while I like cuddling, sometimes I just want to sleep. Fortunately, this and next week include STAR testing, which is marvelous for seniors like me. I actually get to sleep in on my birthday. I'm excited for that.

I woke up, and did nothing. I guess this set the tone for the entire day, in which I did nothing. After the house emptied, I went to Full Circle Farms for a Sony Star thang, and when I couldn't find anybody I knew and couldn't stand the heat any longer, I called it quits and headed back home. Today was the warmest it's been all year, which probably contributed to my lethargic mood. I decided to have lunch and relax a bit before starting homework. Mostly, I just didn't want to do it. So I watched tv. Because that is what I do. After catching up on an episode of "My Boys," I saw that some remake of Hamlet was still saved on the DVR. So I watched:



It was set in modern times, instead of kings there were CEOs. Denmark was a corporation, and Elsinore was the hotel they lived it. It used Shakespearean language.

It was also awful. Ethan Hawke, who played Hamlet, was one of the worst actors I have ever seen do Shakespeare. Everything had the same monotone drawl. The techniques the filmmakers tried to use were ineffective. Bill Murray played Polonious. Julia Styles played Ophelia. It was so ridiculous, that I can't believe I watched the entire thing.

I should have just stopped watching it when Hamlet was walking through a blockbuster delivering his "To Be or Not To Be" soliloquy, but I couldn't turn away. I have an Act 4 character paper due on Tuesday, which is why I thought watching some form of Hamlet would be beneficial. I was wrong. I know that now.

Then I attempted some calculus. When that failed, I tried drinking some leftover homemade-lemonade. Then I attempted some more calculus. Then I threw it out the window.

Before I knew it, it was 9:30. And because I can't go to bed until I've done something [see previous blog entry] I took Kevin's guitar on a walk and showed it the sights and sounds of Sunnyvale suburbia. And instead of stopping at the park like I had intended, I just kept walking. And I started thinking about flowers, mostly because when Ophelia goes mad in Act 4, she starts talking about violets. "That's for remembrance." And then I got tired, and went home.



Today is a UCLA day. Yesterday was a UCSD day. I'm about 10 days away from the SIR date, and I still haven't settled on a school. It's starting to stress me out especially as everyone is proclaiming via Facebook statuses that they have just visited this-or-that campus, and have submitted their SIRs, and are looking for roommates. And I am out on indecision island, just hoping for some sort of clue. I know I'll be happy at either school, but I'll also always have a little bit of regret.

I was going to end this blog with a quote from Hamlet, but I decided I didn't want to be that pretentious. So I'll just say goodnight.

Goodnight.

Drink up baby, stay up all night.

This break has been relatively low-key, but re-reading old xanga posts makes me want to post an old-school entry in which I just ramble on about what's going on in my life.

Monday and Tuesday I ventured South, and visited UCSD and UCLA. It's the hardest decision I have had to make. And I'm still so completely torn.

I haven't done much exciting, just hanging out and the like. I just got back from Lakewood a while ago. We had a bonfire. There was scary gang-looking people about. Right now I'm waiting for my mom to go to bed so I can ice cream it with Alex. This is taking longer than anticipated! He's been sitting in my car for the last half hour...

My birthday is next week! That is exciting.

May 1st is so soon. Argh.

Megan doesn't know where she wants to go to college.

And I'm sunburnt.

Wondering is a step beyond wandering,

I don't think I can sleep until I feel like I've done something worth doing. Something in my brain or body prohibits me from letting myself get ready for bed. Perhaps I'm just in a particular crappy mood, but right now I feel like this day has been pointless. For that and other reasons, I am just not happy right now. And I can't go to bed being unhappy, because that's a terrible way to end a day.

Today I had trouble doing anything. I have a lot of homework, studying, and reading to catch up on, but I can't make myself do it. I wasted time watching tv or fiddling around on the internet. And then it was 10:00. What happened to the day?

And now it's 11:30, and I STILL CAN'T GO TO BED, because I haven't done anything today to make it worth going to bed for.

Does this make sense to anyone else?

I should be catching up on my calculus homework.

But I'm not, because it's hard, and I'm a two year old who throws tantrums when things get hard.

Today and tomorrow, my school is experiencing the Every Fifteen Minutes program. I've known this day has been coming for a long time - since the beginning of the year, actually, when I got a pass to SSR one day. I was asked to be a part of the program, to act as the living dead, but turned down the offer because my family couldn't deal with my faked death emotionally. I couldn't either, I guess. I was scared. Every night before I drifted to sleep I would remember the video they showed us at the parent meeting. But I couldn't find any reason NOT to do it, except for the fact that I was terrified, which to me didn't seem to be a good enough reason. My parents wanted to support me, but they couldn't. My dad is more emotional than my mom, and my mom worries. So we backed out. But as a result, I have known for a long time when the program is, and who is taking part in it.

I'm actually grateful for this, because I don't know how I would react if I came to school unknowingly one day to find out my best friend had died. I'm prepared mentally, anyways.

As I was leaving second period to walk to fourth, Alex walked by me, pale make-up and all, staring straight ahead. He kind of caught me off guard, because I wasn't expecting to see him. I said to myself, "Oh. Awkward..." and continued on.

It's going to be an interesting two days. And it's nice to finally be able to tell people.

80 Years of Thespians

Today, I returned from my last Thespian Festival. Although it ended with a flat tire and misdirected route, it was still an amazing trip. It was our troupe's most successful year, as many techies placed in their respective categories, two actors and a couple of techies made it into all state, three actors got IE callbacks, and one placed 2nd in solo musical theater.

I did indeed get into All State, so I got about 9 hours of sleep for the entire weekend. It was fun though, especially since Alex was in my act. I also got a callback for my IE, which I was not expecting at all. It means that I placed 1st or 2nd in my room, of which there were three. Only ten people got IE callbacks for solo musical theater out of at least 100. So that's pretty cool. Alex won 2nd, and I'm really happy for him. He deserved it.

Disneyland was also fun, even though my feet hurt before even walking to the tram to enter the park. And we met up with Blake! Disneyland is always magical.



I have so much homework.
And I'm getting a strange feeling.
I'm not sure what it is yet.
I'll keep you posted.

Let's all jump on the band-wagon!

I just talk about my day. It's nothing terribly exciting.

I can't think of a title. Deal with it.

Today I [mostly] finished my Sony Star portfolio. I'm not happy with the cover picture and border, though. With my sophomore portfolio, it just felt right. And that sounds corny and sappy, but it's true. When I looked at it, I knew that it was done. This one feels all wrong.

I don't have to turn it in until Thursday, when I leave for festival, so I'll probably be fretting about it for the next couple of days. I've put so much work into it. It needs to feel right.

In other news, I think I have restless leg syndrome.

Last night, I got into bed around midnight, and then could not fall asleep for another hour. It wasn't because my sleep schedule was still on weekend mode. The upper half of my body was tired and ready to fall asleep. My legs, on the other hand, seemed as though they could spring to life at any moment and perform a tap dance. This isn't an odd sensation for me. It happens often. Usually I just shake my legs, hoping to tire them out. I'll kick them like I'm swimming in an ocean of blankets, but the relief it brings is usually only temporary. I just have to wait it out, drifting off to sleep very, very slowly.

My mom has it, I think, so I wouldn't be surprised if I do too. It's probably because I don't really do much moving during the day. The most I walk is around school. I really miss wandering through these suburban streets at night. I would have tonight if my life wasn't so crazy. Another thing that can exacerbate RLS is stress, so says the all-knowing website. And I guess I am stressed, but this is a feeling I know all too well. There's no relief until June.

I need sleep.

I should not be allowed to stay up late on school nights.

I've been going crazy lately.

My eyes have started freaking on me. I'm having trouble keeping my eyes focused on things. Either I am very, very tired, or my lazy eye is getting worse. It's like my eyes are too tired to work together, so sometimes my eyes just gloss over and I stare straight ahead. And sometimes one eye shifts slightly one way it shouldn't. Or I'm just tired.

I've also been misplacing things that I NEED, or have already put in a logical place [or at least, seemed logical at the time]. I'm usually not a forgetful person, and I usually don't lose stuff. But it seems I've been so careless lately, and I have no idea why. Today I spent a good hour frantically searching my car, my house, and my room for my USB stick. I knew that I had it yesterday - I put it in my purse. BUT IT WAS GONE the next day. And it was driving me crazy, because I KNOW that I put it in my purse. I eventually found it in my backpack. I probably put it in there last night, thinking that I wouldn't have time to go home before I needed to go to the community center to pick up pictures.

_


I think I'm just really, really sleep deprived.

I got to school early one morning, and since the door was locked I sat down on the ground. I rested my head against my hands, closed my eyes, and sort of drifted back to sleepland where I had been so content not an hour ago. I knew people were probably looking at me strangely - probably akin to the looks that passerbys give me when they see me playing my guitar on the driveway in the middle of the night - but I didn't really care. And then I feel a hand, and can sense somebody. It was Andrew. He asked me if I was alright, since I suppose the position I was in could be interpreted as upset. I told him I was tired, with a somewhat surprised tone in my voice, since it was a nice gesture. He gave me a me-sitting-him-crouching hug that was albeit, awkward, but really nice. As he left it reminded me of the time right before I got the stomach flu, during lunch at school. I was sitting on the steps, taking deep breaths, on the verge of tears, when Scott Rong walked by and asked if I was ok. I still have no idea why I was being so emotional that day - probably because I felt awful. Anyways, it was still a nice gesture. And it always catches me off guard when people are nice, for some reason. I have problems with trust, I guess, but that's a whole different story.

Personally, I suck at cheering people up. If people are upset, I never know what to do. Some want to be consoled, others want to be alone. And if I don't know the person that well, I don't know which type they are. And this is the reason that if I see someone I know sitting on the ground looking upset or crying, I usually walk right past them. I've always thought that if they wanted to talk about it, or needed a friend, that they would just ask. But that's really hypocritical, since when I'm upset I'd rather people comfort me without me having to ask.

But nonetheless, it's surprising that people I don't talk to much would be so caring as to walk over, kneel down, and see if everything was alright. Even if I've known them for years, I'm still taken aback.

It's kind of sad that I'm surprised when humanity actually gives a damn.

He doesn't read my blog.

theaterules: i like how you say im cooking

theaterules: :P

megkatjo: yep

theaterules: that is kinda the weekend before my bday too :P

theaterules: and the weekend before asb elections

megkatjo: and the weekend before my birthday

theaterules: mhm

theaterules: so your bday takes precedenc eover mine?

megkatjo: um, i called dibs?

megkatjo: meaning

megkatjo: i made plans before you did

megkatjo: ?

theaterules: no you cna have plans

theaterules: i just dunno if ill be available

megkatjo: kbye/

theaterules: what?

theaterules: what if i wanna do somethign for my bday?

theaterules: sorry if thats against the rules.

megkatjo: why are you giving me a hard time?

theaterules: im not

megkatjo: all i want to do is have a birthday party

theaterules: im justletting you know

theaterules: i might be elsewhere

theaterules: maybe not

megkatjo: i'm sorry that 4 people have their birthdays at the same time

theaterules: but just giving you a heads up

megkatjo: christina already took the weekend after my birthday

megkatjo: so you're saying you might not come to my party because you might have plans that might exist in the future?

theaterules: uh yes

theaterules: and thats not rude or selfish of me

theaterules: its my bday too

megkatjo: fine

megkatjo: don't come

theaterules: god youre in such a bitchy mood!

theaterules: you cnat even take a heads up with maybe a 'oh ok. ill think about an alternate plan just in case"

megkatjo: i'm on the verge of fucking tears because YOU SAY YOU WON'T PROMISE TO COME TO MY FUCKING PARTY

megkatjo: YOU DON"T EVEN HAVE A REAL REASON OR SEMIFORMED PLANS

theaterules: YE SI DO HAVE A REAL REASON

megkatjo: YOU JUST SAY HOW DARE YOU FOR DECIDING TO HAVE BIRTHDAY PARTY TWO DAYS BEFORE MINE

theaterules: ITS MY BIRTHDAY!

megkatjo: IN TWO DAYS

megkatjo: I CANT HAVE IT THE NEXT WEEKEND BECAUSE OF CHRISTINA

theaterules: NO

theaterules: I ASM NOT GOING TO CELEBRATE MY BDYA ON A MONDAY

theaterules: I AM GOING TO GO OUT ON THE WEEKEND

megkatjo: WHAT ABOUT FRIDAY?

theaterules: I HAVE TO WORK AROUND TONY TOO

theaterules: AND ABS ELECTIONS

megkatjo: if you can fit it into your fucking schedule, i'd love for you to come to my party

theaterules: AND MY BRO'S BDAY

theaterules: AN DMY MOM

theaterules: sorry, but i might not want to slave in the kitchen when i could be out partying

megkatjo: jeez

megkatjo: you don't have to cook

megkatjo: you know, you make me feel so awful sometimes

theaterules: jesus.

theaterules: this started as me just giving you a friendly heads up

megkatjo: well you came off like a jerk

theaterules: and then you cam eoff lieka raving bitch

megkatjo: as in, even though it's a month in advance, i can't promise that i'll attend a party, even though i have not made any sort of plans myself

theaterules: wtf megan

theaterules: can you not understand that?

megkatjo: no, i can't understand that

megkatjo: i know it's your birthday

megkatjo: but it's also christina's, and clifford's, and mine, and a bunch of other peoples

megkatjo: which is why i wanted to pick a date

megkatjo: now

theaterules: mhm

megkatjo: so that people would know

megkatjo: and plan their schedules accordingly

theaterules: and i know

theaterules: but

theaterules: that is a busy time for me

megkatjo: unless, of course, you don't want to go

megkatjo: find

megkatjo: if you don't want to go, don't

megkatjo: if you do, do

theaterules: oh megan, ew

theaterules: i would never want to go to your party

megkatjo: STOP BEING FUCKING SARCASTIC

theaterules: cause, gosh, youre just about the person who id least want to hang out with

megkatjo: WHEN I AM CLOSE TO CRYING

theaterules: if youre goign to attack me, ill be as sarcatsic as i want

megkatjo: i can't talk to you right now

megkatjo: this is only going to get worse








Yeah, I'm upset.