Don't even expect anything.

I'm not going to be in a blogging mood over the next 17 days.

I should, in fact, be sleeping right now, but I'm not. I have been busy since I got home, and have been studying and doing homework for too long to just stop, and sleep.

I am getting worn out. It's exhausting. May 17th! Ben Folds! Ahhhh. I can do it. But it's going to take a hell of a lot of willpower to get there.

Several things are frustrating. Let's take a look:

• Little Women - Don't get me wrong, the show is going to be great. But several things piss me off. Repeatedly. And when I try and say something, NOBODY LISTENS. For example, our set is so poorly designed that there is NO room to walk anywhere. He hasn't even seen us in our costumes yet. They've planned for each of us to have hoop-skirts and tons of petticoats, and they are just NOT going to fit. Furthermore, I have a song in the attic. THE ANNOYINGLY SMALL AND CRAMPED ATTIC. It's this dramatic and emotional piece, and I'm worried that because I have to maneuver awkwardly, people will find it funny, and ruin the moment. But with a huge skirt, there is no way I'm going to be able to walk between the trunk and the back wall. NO WAY. If the trunk were gone, we might be able to do it, but bill is so stubbornly stupid that he insists on having that trunk there. He'll realize on Monday, and then we'll have no time. We open in a week, for heaven's sake! Also annoying about Little Women is the fact that Bill NEVER gives acting notes. "You could have moved here at this point," he says. Yes, Bill. Yes, I could have. Never have we gotten a note that didn't pertain to stage directions. Our blocking changes all the time. And he NEVER comments on our acting. He is pointless. He might as well not be there. The closest he's come to giving me an acting comment is to just say something vague and general like "You're almost there," or "I'm not really getting her completely." That doesn't really give me anywhere to go, Bill. You're not really helping, Bill. Just go away.
• Melligan - He is a constant annoyance, but he's being particularly douchey lately. ONE, he refused to do any sort of review for Civics, and TWO, he didn't schedule any time for review for Econ. Weeks ago he claimed he was going to have review sessions during STAR testing, but since they scheduled him to take teacher's breaks, he can't do them anymore. And so he said that's it. They took his time away, and there's nothing he can do about it. We all know that the real reason he isn't giving a review session for Civics is becuase he can't review something he never taught. He doesn't know anything about Civics to being with. What is rediculous is that he was REFUSING to HELP us. He blamed it on the school, but that was just a cop-out. He's a sissy. As for Econ, he's scheduled two chapters a week right up until the week before the actual Econ test. Which means we've got homework and stuff the week in which I have THREE tests. Sara Hellstrom decided that she was going to have her own study party/review session, and in announcing it to the class Melligan got pissed and offended. If you're not going to help us, why the fuck are you mad that we want to help ourselves. He makes me want to scream. Loudly. For hours. Fuck you, Mr. Melligan. Fuck. You.

Those are the two main things, I guess. It kind of sucks not having a personal life anymore. I go to school, go to rehearsal, come home and study for a couple hours, and go to bed. Whoop-de-doo. Once Calc and Civics are done I can focus on Bio and Econ (which I haven't even started studying for yet. Civics is so soon! And I won't even have the pleasure of being able to goof off in class, since that class really ended back in January. Calculus is the test I've been preparing for the most, so I'll be relieved when that's over. It's also the one I care about the most. English is English. The open question terrifies me, but I'm just going to work with what I've got. Part of me contemplates reading "Death of a Salesman" since I've seen it on the lists of acceptable books or plays, but really...when on Earth am I going to have the time to do that?

I don't even get to sleep in this weekend. I've got part 2 of my job interivew on Saturday morning, and a TAC thing on Sunday morning. Monday I've got to wake up earlier than normal because of my AP Civics test.

When I was 13, I hiked the Grand Canyon with my family. The hike down wasn't so bad - at least, not any harder than I expected. Hiking back up was not as much fun. The last three miles, however, were torture. I remember being so close to finishing, but being so tired and ready to just sit and wait for hours until I felt better. But I couldn't stop for long. We had to get to the top. We had to finish. Right now, I'm entering those last three miles of the trail. It's the hardest and most difficult part of the journey. I'm feeling stressed out and overextended, and the finish line is just barely in sight.

My family is also going through some difficult times. I don't really want to talk about it, because it's scary and because I've been asked to not talk about it, but I need some sort of outlet. I've got to stay strong, but I'm as insecure as anyone. And I don't know how to confront this, or how to deal with it. Mostly I don't want to talk about it because I don't want to think about it. Pretending it doesn't exist seems like the easiest way to deal with it right now.

If you're a praying person, please keep me and my family in mind.