The things you could do, you won't, but you might.

I don't know if it's routine hormonal fluctuations that are inspiring this current bought of comfortableness, but I've been in a quiet funk for the past several days. Combining frustration and unhappiness, it's been festering inside me, so here is my awful attempt at trying to release some pent up... something. When I try to reflect upon myself and determine what exactly is making me feel like this, the closest I can come is that I am not happy. As much as I pursue fun activities and spend time with friends, I still find myself in some kind of strange depression that sits on me, its weight slightly uncomfortable, yet bearable. For the most part, I know what I want, and when I don't get it I just spiral down into nothingness. What I lack has become so apparent that it's no longer prowling silently in the background. Perhaps it's because my days are numbered here, and I feel like I'm running out of opportunities. I don't mean to be dramatic, forcing attention from people by proclaiming, "HEY GUYS I'M LEAVING SOON SO HANG OUT WITH ME AND FULFILL ALL OF MY NEEDS." I certainly don't mean to create situations in which people are uncomfortable or coerced into doing something. Moving out is completely new to me. I've never lived anywhere but here, so the protocol is lost on me. My dad moved a lot when he was younger; his dad was a traveling salesman, so he often moved. He didn't have a consistent life growing up, which is why he made sure we would never have to move. But we have now reached the inevitable - college.

Oh dear me, I've veered off-topic. My whole funk is indirectly related to college, I'm pretty sure. Right now I'm listening to Elliot Smith because he fits my mood right now. I started listening to "Between the Bars," and the opening lines seemed like they had been written for this exact moment. Part of the inspiration for this late-night post is that I have not been out of my house save for two brief times. I have done next to nothing today, and when that happens I fall deeper into this pit of despair. As a student in school, I always hated when my time was wasted. I suppose it's the exact same situation here. Sitting in my room, with my laptop overheating from computer games and constant patrol of the internet, I feel completely useless and wasted. There is no purpose for today. Why did it exist in the first place? The part of me that wants to change this will be met with reality. Reasonably speaking, I have the potential to leave. I can get up, walk out my front door, and change my hermit existence of the day. But the problem of what to do or who to meet or being tired since it's already late confronts me in the meanest of ways. It doesn't do well to dwell in the past. I think I've been focusing on it too much, and that's hurt me in much deeper ways. Hopefully moving out and up will fix this problem. It's definitely bittersweet.

That's enough writing, my brain is starting to loose the ability to phrase sentences.