I think I've been in continual morning of my childhood. I have of late, but wherefore I know not, been romanticizing the past with a distorted perception of what really occurred then, and how I really felt about it.
In the past couple of weeks, I have:
-watched the SF Giants in The World Series, in some sort of attempt to pretend that I am home listening to KNBR in my dad's car as we drive down El Camino, or in my living room passing between the kitchen and my room, glancing at the television
-listened to Disney songs, which I am doing as I type this
-gotten excited about going horseback riding, something which I used to do quite often as a child but haven't done in a number of years
-demanded that my Dad put the posters of shows I've been in back onto the backside of my door after he took them off for painting
-counted down the days and hours until the holidays, which always seems kind of timeless to me
-booked plane tickets home only THREE weeks before I was coming home for Thanksgiving because I was growing increasingly homesick and just wanted to be home already
-really really really wanted to reread Harry Potter (though this is most attributed to the fact that HP7.1 is coming out tomorrow night)
Many of these can be explained by two things: the general awesomeness of the bulleted points above, and the fact that I'm in college.
It's interesting that this is a time in my life where I'm supposed to become an adult, grow OUT of my childhood, and all I'm doing is trying to run back to it, as if that's even a real possibility. It's currently 8th week in the quarter. I've been studying and doing homework for the past 8 weeks, and while I can see the end of the tunnel (of the quarter, anyhow), it still sucks knowing I've got a long way to go still. I'll be home in a week, but not before I've taken a midterm and written a paper. Both of these are not IMPOSSIBLE tasks, but merely the labors I have to undertake in order to emerge from college with a degree I can apply to something practical. College is wonderful and all, but I'd like to take this time to complain about how much fun it can NOT be sometimes. There are days when I'm super productive, and days I have trouble getting any task started at all.
I think I've read somewhere that Sophomore year of college is the hardest, though not academically. My dad had to redo his sophomore year, though I'm fuzzy on the details of why. It seems that my view of the world and myself is starting to change, and I don't know if I'm quite ready for that. I have to be a real person? No! Not yet! I'm still a kid! I'm only nineteen years old! How the hell do I know who I am, who I want to be, and what I want to do with my life? How is that fair to ask of me, as if anyone can really have an answer to those questions?
I've been feeling this way for a while, and I think I just needed some sort of outlet for all these emotions. So thank you.
I'm going to go to bed now, wake up in the morning, study all day, and then go back to bed. Thrilling.
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
Megoon! Childhood never has to go away. I think people are better if they maintain childlike interests into adulthood. Also, it's a common fallacy to think that once you start a career your life suddenly reaches a permanent state and responsibilities replace curiosity. Really, wondering and meandering last as long as you want them to. Some people find a long-term job and marry and settle into routines right off the bat, and some people go through many phases before finding something sustainable. Life is really just like one long childhood because it's all a learning experience, and there are always opportunities for change.
ReplyDeleteAlso: horseback riding. This shit is REAL.